Thoughts on ruminations about my father

If I ever manage to track down my father, I may regret these posts. But since that is not likely to ever happen, here we go.

Although this is not specifically about my journey in OT school, it does concern the emotions that I have been having lately and so I call it fair game. I have never been this stressed near Father's day before and, as for most people, stress makes me ruminate and obsess and causes anxiety and depression. Unfortunately, this year that stress from school and work has translated into Father's Day.

This is interesting because, normally, I do not think much about Father's day. I don't really care. It is simply a day where I watch Hamlet (more on that next week) and enjoy good sales on clothes for my brother. This year, something has changed.

I still don't have a father and it still doesn't bother me (and by just saying that I feel like I am lying) but I feel this loss, this lack very distinctly. It is rather distracting. A lot of times there is this feeling of "what if" but it is transient. This year it hasn't been transient. It has been all encompassing and ear obsessive.

It is really beginning to annoy me because I really can't figure out why it matters. I have never cared before... I think...

Anyway...

Today I was listening to music and Coldplay's The Scientist came on and I remember that it was on the list of the "relatable songs for DC people". I used to blow that off. Today though, with my current mindset, I listened and I must say that I get it. It is like this dream. The meeting and parting and missed time between the donor and their DC child. It was also sad because, for all that it is wistful for a due over, it will never happen.

The past cannot be changed.

Later, Hear Me by Kelly Clarkson came on... Again, I was in the mindset of one week to Father's Day and I hit this one on the head as well. Or perhaps it hit me. Just listen to the song with the mindset of someone who is searching for the father they have never met and who probably doesn't even know that they exist. It fits pretty well, if you ask me.