Yesterday was bad. There is no denying that. I felt "off" all day, repetitive thoughts, doubts, inadequacy. Then it ended with a panic attack. No one's idea of fun.
I kept thinking, although I told my brain to shut it, that I didnt belong in my OT program. That I didn't belong at the school. That I shouldn't be there and am just kidding myself.
I know that it isn't true... But I also know that I wasn't their first pick. I am capable of succeeding. I do belong. But a part of me fears that I do not, that I cheated somehow, regardless of my scores ot my work hours or anything else. It isnt a logical process.
Add on top of that that nearly every day I had some medical procedure (physical therapy 2 days, doctor yesterday, and lung function test today). And it was the first (full) week of school. I was tired. I am tired. And I have been in pain.
I have bursitis in my hip which is very painful. And constant. And digs away at my ability to cope. And I had a medical procedure attempted yesterday (unrelated) that ended up being quite traumatic, through no one's fault at all.
Everything added together upped my unease into an explosion of emotion that wanted out.
So yes. I flapped my hand in order to make my bracelet click. I took an extra long shower. I skimmed through 6 books. And I did not claw at my skin to get at the feeling or make it go away.
I am making progress. Even if it is slight.
So no. I did not get anything done yesterday. But I made it through and I will again.
I will be stronger for my struggles
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