How to move on from failure

I feel like this is the place to be frank. To be up front about the events of school. That of course includes the bad. This last week I failed an assignment. I missed an important section and lost a lot of points. It got me hard. I have been struggling to keep up this semester compared to previous ones. I'm feeling constantly drawn out and overstretched and uncertain. And then I failed an assignment. In a way, it was a wake up call. And in a way it was a godsend. 

And in another way, it was the most devastating moment of my grad school career. 

Of course, the thing about facing the most devastating and life ending moment of your career is that you get up the next day having faced it. It has now happened. I survived. Sure, I might have done a couple things I will regret later after the immediate discovery. Sure, for a brief moment my world fell apart. But I still moved forward.

I still have other assignments to do. Even if I may second guess my abilities and second guess my work, I still have to do them. I can't stop now. I refuse to give in to my own doubting.

Sure, I may need to take more care of my anxiety for a time. I may need to plan and schedule and give myslef extra time for uncertainty, but I will continue to move forward. 

As a friend reminded me today, "Breathe. Take it one thing at a time. You are fine."

And I am. Or I will be. Just keep moving forward.

Halfway through the first of the second year

So... obviously I am terrible at posting but I am still here. I am still in school. I am still making it. Thing is, most days I don't really know how. Six weeks have passed since the beginning of this semester and I feel as if no time has passed at all. And not in the good way of "oh where did the time go" but more in the "I swear I fell asleep five minutes ago, why is my alarm already going off" type way.

I am passing everything but couldn't say how I am doing that. I am completing my assignments, although I completely spaced one and I feel like I am constantly playing catch-up on them, even with my scheduling and planning and close watch on the calendar.

I also constantly feel as if I have no idea what I am doing. Half the assignments I start feel like BS, even when they turn out well I just feel perplexed. As if I am constantly on the border between ridiculous crying and hysterical laughter.

I live most every week in a near constant state of stress and fear (although to be fair, the fear has gotten better these last couple weeks but it is still here). As if I am grossly unprepared for what I am doing, have no idea what that is, and really should figure it all out someday.

But, despite that, despite all of that, I am here. I am still going on with this journey. I am still working at it and trying my best and picking up the pieces.

Although my freezer breaking last night is not helping matters... Hopefully all my meat (that I just bought) hasn't gone bad. I really can't afford that... Hopefully the repair-man calls soon...