I Passed My First Test!

And I did it with a 97.5%!

Now, that may not seem like a huge deal but for me it was because a part of me still feels as if this is all a dream... or a mistake... or a parallel universe that I accidentally entered, misplacing the other version of myself (an admittedly harder working, less anxious, more stable, successful version of me) and taking over their life.

Now I know (logically) that it isn't true but anxiety isn't logical. So performing well on tests proves to me that, unless I am dreaming, I do belong. I am accomplished. I am doing this. I am not failing.

I have noticed that a lot of my posts here are depressing or uncertain. That is, unfortunately, the reality of my brain at this point in time. Some days are better but nothing happens those days and so I rarely write about them. Some days are worse and I write about them more consistently because I need to get them off my chest and I have no one to talk to about it.

Just the internet on a blog that nobody reads.

But, I passed my first test today with a 97.5%. That is something to be proud of.

The explanation

Yesterday was bad. There is no denying that. I felt "off" all day, repetitive thoughts, doubts, inadequacy. Then it ended with a panic attack. No one's idea of fun.

I kept thinking, although I told my brain to shut it, that I didnt belong in my OT program. That I didn't belong at the school. That I shouldn't be there and am just kidding myself.

I know that it isn't true... But I also know that I wasn't their first pick. I am capable of succeeding. I do belong. But a part of me fears that I do not, that I cheated somehow, regardless of my scores ot my work hours or anything else. It isnt a logical process.

Add on top of that that nearly every day I had some medical procedure (physical therapy 2 days, doctor yesterday, and lung function test today). And it was the first (full) week of school. I was tired. I am tired. And I have been in pain.

I have bursitis in my hip which is very painful. And constant. And digs away at my ability to cope. And I had a medical procedure attempted yesterday (unrelated) that ended up being quite traumatic, through no one's fault at all.

Everything added together upped my unease into an explosion of emotion that wanted out.

So yes. I flapped my hand in order to make my bracelet click. I took an extra long shower. I skimmed through 6 books. And I did not claw at my skin to get at the feeling or make it go away.

I am making progress. Even if it is slight.

So no. I did not get anything done yesterday. But I made it through and I will again.

I will be stronger for my struggles

Anxiety

It began as energy. Well, energy and doubt. Sonething that had been needling in the lack of my mind all day. A cumulative thing, pressing and burrowing. An awareness of inferiority.

Then the event happened. Unexpected. Startling. The energy increased. It was a buzz under my skin, settled as a pit in my stomach. No. That's not right. Burning with a need to get out. Pressing inside skin.

I shoved back. Contained I could ignore it. There was no functioning. No progress, just the struggle.

Breaking free it pressed against me. All directions no way out because it was out. Overwhelming. Suffocating. Leave me alone!

Flapping arm and clicking bracelet keep me from clawing through my skin. Go away. Go away. Get out. Leave me be.

Hot showers and piles of books. Pain and relaxation. Go away. Go away. I have no tine for you. Feelings swell. No sleep. No rest.

Anxiety will not leave me.

Almost on to Day One

That's right! On Wednesday (5 days from now) I will be, officially, a full time student of Occupational Therapy!!!

Very exciting.

I am very nervous.

I have fears that nothing will work out.

I have fears that I will not be able to handle the schedule (work and school and life).

I have fears that I have made a terrible mistake.

However, I will persevere.

I will not give up.

I can do this.