Today, I saw a video by Trevor Noah. He described all the ways in which so many lawmakers in this country make mass shootings about everything but the guns people use to kill others.
Today, I watched a video by Stephen Colbert. He described the message of the President of this country who could not even remember the city in which the shooting had occurred and decided to blame immigrants, albeit indirectly
Today, I saw countless news feeds decrying Mitch McConnell for his delay in bringing bipartisan gun legislation, which had already passed the house, to a vote.
Today, one of my patients was watching NRA TV in their room.
Today, I had to stop following a discussion online because it felt pointless to debate with people who seem to care more about the rights of the few who own guns rather than about human life as a whole.
Today, I took care of a dying man who has no insurance because their Medicare "expired".
Today, I was afraid.
Fear is not uncommon in my life. It fuels and is fueled by my anxiety. It is fueled by the stores I see on television and the news stories I read in the paper. Normally, my fear is simply an acknowledgement of the possibilities. Today it was a gripping vise. I walked out of work and I held my bag a little closer, my keys a little tighter. The night air seemed heavier than usual, full of threat and possibility.
If it can happen in El Paso and in Dayton... If it could happen to those 31 people who died just a few days ago... It could happen to me.
This increased awareness of the possibility of my own demise, this vigilance and anxiety and worry brought back old wounds and fears that were no more than blips in my mind before.
I am lucky that my fears are only from possibilities and stories and news. I am lucky that my nightmares have never come true and I am not the one sitting with a loved one dead, dying, or hurt. I am lucky that I am not dead myself.
I also understand that it could happen. That is what is reinforced every time there is a mass shooting, my understanding that on any given day I have the potential to be murdered. Or my family. Or my friends. Or their friends.This time it wasn't me or mine. Next time, it could be.
I have no calls to action because those are all over the net. I have no harsh words for those who support harmful rhetoric because everyone does. I have no prayers to give because enough prayers have been given a thousand times over. I have only the reminder of common decency. Of love and companionship. Of humanity. We are all the same, living in the same world, breathing the same air, struggling to reach the same goals. We all want to live. To be happy. To be loved. To be safe.
Instead of calling each other evil and blaming each other we should unite together; stand as one against the onslaught of fear and uncertainty that these past few days have brought back into the light. Let us stand as one so that we may support each other through this tragic and unnecessary loss of life. Let us stand as one so that we might reject hatred. Let us stand as one so that perhaps, one day, we do not have to wonder when the other shoe may drop... so that none of us have to live in fear.
Yesterday, there was tragedy. Today, there is fear. Perhaps Tomorrow there can be hope.
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