Cleanliness

"Cleanliness is next to godliness." I have always hated this saying, ever since I was a child. I honestly have no clue who first said it and have never much cared because I wholeheartedly disagree with it regardless. At least in regards to housekeeping.

I am not a clean person or, rather, I am not the type of person who can easily keep their surroundings clean especially in my own space. Cleaning can, on occasion, cause intense anxiety and stress. It is not that I cannot clean it is that I do not like to. Growing up, cleaning was never a family activity and our home was not kept very clean and so cleaning days were a time of stress and anxiety. Unfortunately that stress and anxiety grew with me and so cleaning became a necessary evil instead of a gratifying necessity.

Even more unfortunate is that the lack of cleanliness became a sense of shame. I would hate having people come over, I wouldn't invite friends over and even when family visited our home I just wanted them to leave. I was ashamed of the state of my home and I didn't want others to see it. I pushed them out and isolated myself.

I still isolate myself and keep people out. Even when my home is clean I don't want others to come in, "Leave me alone, get out!" is what my brain says.

I want to change that and I know that it won't be a quick process to change. To begin, I am going to be honest about my housekeeping skills, my personal ability to keep things clean, as it has been the main cause of much of my anxiety in the past.

It is time that I am honest about my reality (and show off my apartment, finally).

This is about the view from my kitchen door/front door area.

And here is the view of my living room and front door.

Here are a few pictures of my kitchen. Note the covered table, the open cabinets and the box that has been on the floor for about 5 days.

Next is my bathroom. The floor is swept about 3 times a week (same days that I scoop the cat box) and the box is emptied about once a week but the counter is covered with stuff in a disorganized sprawl.

My spare bedroom (and hopefully my eventual office/workout zone if I can ever buy the rest of the furniture) is basically just a place where I am storing boxes until I feel like breaking them down and carrying them to the dumpster. Not pictured: my desk.

My bedroom is minimally furnished (bed, dresser, nightstand) but still manages to be a little bit messy.

This is my life.
It is normal and it is okay.

A few ruminations

So I have no idea what I posted last. I could look, don't really feel like it. Instead I will just wing it today and write about some of the things that have been going on in the last week or so.

Food:
I was really concerned that I wouldn't eat enough living on my own and it was a valid concern given my history and my health. So far it hasn't been an issue (if anything I feel that I am eating too much). However, this fear did lead me to stocking up on a lot of food. So much food that, other than fruit, juice, and milk, I probably don't need to buy anything else for a good 3 weeks... or maybe a month...

I am hoping to cook more but so far have just made a grilled bagel sandwich and some brownies... in the week that I have lived here. Mostly been eating crackers with cheese, yogurt, hummus, corn chips (Tostitos), and fruit and the occasional (one) tv dinner. I also had leftovers one day. Although I do plan on making enchiladas tonight. Yay, progress.

Exercise:
I had this elaborate and great plan to exercise here. So far, nothing. Well, once. I want to but I feel crummy and my head is all stuffed up and my ears and my lungs are tight when I breathe... So basically haven't felt up to it, even though there is a vague desire for it. I have been stretching more often but that is about it.

Here is the plan for when I am more well:
-Stretch everyday (I should do this now) for 5 minutes
-Exercise on my little elliptical thing (once I get around to spending the $90 on it) 2 days a week for 10 minutes and 2 days a week for 30 minutes (obviously the weekend for those longer ones)
-T'ai Chi (also, could do this now) 3 days a week, completing the 24-forms (I can only do about 5 of them right now...)
-Body resistance exercises (sit-ups, planks, push ups, lunges, etc) 2 days a week for 10 minutes (one time on weekend one time during the week)

We will see if it ever gets done. Any of it...

Money:
So I am alright with money although I ma not ready to spend more for another year or more. I don't have much in checking (once you take out my medical payments and my insurance) but I have enough for emergencies (or more cold medicine). I am determined not to take more out of savings though until I need to buy my school books. Although I know that I will need to pay my cable and electric next month but by then I should have had another check or two come in. I have one more coming from St Luke's (my PTO payout) and from my new job at St Alexius. All should be fine, even with having an extra $600 charge on groceries and household items (the world is expensive!)

Work:
Here is where I admit to being grateful for my previous job (even more so) as it made me infinitely flexible in regards to patient care. Not to brag (much) but I feel that I can handle nearly any situation that arises in  a healthcare setting thanks to my previous adventures so this job isn't as impossibly stressful as I thought that it would be. It will take me time to get into a perfect rhythm and get all my timing right but I know that I will get there soon.

At this point I don't even think that I need the full 3 more days of orientation. I kinda feel ready (I say now...) just need to practice getting out of there on time and getting into bed before midnight so that I will be set when school starts up (hahaha).

Pictures:
Still working on those. I have some but I am too lazy to post them right now.

Cat:
He is so bored! He stays up all night and has nothing to do and then sleeps all day so I hardly ever see him and when I do it is only to throw him off of me at 4 in the morning. I need to get him toys. After I figure out what he will actually play with...

An update of the last few days

So I am in Bismarck! (And have been for six days....)

It is alright here, although I miss Idaho and the familiar and already miss my family (yes, there were tears although I held it together until they left... barely). It will take me a while to get used to it here, I am not good with change and this is a major change. I honestly didn't expect it to be so different from Nampa, ID. I expected smaller but not any great changes, boy was I wrong. Bismarck feels like a strange combination of new and outdated. Some aspects are so modern that it almost blows your socks off but they are subtle things. Others take you back into 2008 or 2003 or (in the case of my kitchen stove) 1972.

The people are a similar enigma. They are a strange mixture of laid-back and gruff, as if they can't quite decide which to be so they chose both. They aren't, so far, as chatty as those in Idaho but their overall demeanor isn't mean, just reserved. You would think that with all this space they would be more secure in being big but I suppose that it could be the opposite. Because there is so much space, it is overwhelming and they stay to themselves. They certainly don't make as much eye contact as I am used to.

I wonder what they make of me?

My apartment is nice. Spacious. Perfect... well... Almost perfect. As I mentioned, my stove is from the 70s and only has 3 working burners. The AC unit is not made for 100+ degrees. And, most importantly right now, my toilet is mostly broken (not flushing, leaking around the base), backing up into the tub, and leaking into the apartment below me. I hope it is fixed today because I would really like to shower... or flush my toilet.

Also I don't have a couch (as of right now) or my chair. The couch was supposed to come yesterday but now won't arrive for another 2 days (estimated). The chair won't be here for 2.5 more weeks. Luckily I have kitchen chairs to sit in. But my couch would have been nice.

I will make a separate post about work and the end of my online class (once it ends!) when I have a bit more time.

Heat exhaustion sucks

So, yeah. it does.

I feel like crap.

Who would think that I would get to my new home and be completely ill? (Actually, with my track record after long drives I shouldn't be surprised...)

I have never had heat exhaustion before (combined with dehydration or alone). It isn't pleasant (headache, dizziness, fatigue, stomach cramps, clammy skin) and I would not recommend it. Should have bought more frozen peas.

Meanwhile, I did sign my lease and am now officially an independent renter. Yay.

Now if I could only feel well enough to set it up.

What I have learned after packing and travel

1. I only own 6 pairs of shoes (2 tennis shoes, 1 dress shoe, 2 winter shoes, and a pair of converse)
2. All of my clothes (minus 3 jackets) can fit into 4 vacuum bags.
3. Everything that I own (plus a cat) can fit into two cars, a sedan and a compact jeep.
4. Tetris in the car is not fun.
5. Driving without AC in 95+ degrees is miserable and leads to heat exhaustion/stroke and dehydration.
6. Grocery stores should really sell pre-frozen ice bags.
7. Since they don't, I should note that frozen bags of peas, while useful, do eventually melt and leave you with mushy peas and leaking bags.
8. A bag of frozen peas will stay cold for about 2 hours in a hot car.
9. I am not sure what I am doing.

Perfection and Strain

Yesterday was a bad day.

I got angry. Very angry. Murderously angry. And unfortunately, once I get to that point it is difficult to get not angry anymore. I was awake until 3-something. I got about 5 hours of sleep. At least I know that I can still function on that little.

So I am trying to move and complete homework and work full time and it isn't working. My brain is not dealing with the strain well. I already took a day off of work because of it and I never take a day off unless I have to for medical reasons (granted, it was after a very tough day but still, unheard of).

On to yesterday.

I had just finished a stressful school project and was battling with a few technical errors (having to upload a video to YouTube and remake my PowerPoint) and as I waited I decided that I should buy my furniture as I could now transfer the money out of savings for it. I decided to buy Ikea for the main furniture and was really looking forward to my future rooms...

Didn't end up that way because Ikea wouldn't get to my apartment until 8/30/18... I move in on the 9th and I couldn't see waiting that long for my bed, dresser, tv stand, bookcases, etc. Well, some I could wait on but not the bed. And that was upsetting because I really wanted that bed.

So I had to replan my entire apartment, basically. The only thing that is the same is my couch (not being bought from Ikea) and my chair (which I can wait on).

That sucked. I was angry. I kinda still am.

Well, once I found my furniture and began the process of buying it new problems arose. My bank and Walmart were having difficulties, my card was locked (although my transaction went through, supposedly). This morning, the main bulk of my transaction was canceled (except for my couch, luckily). Called the bank and had my card reopened. Called Walmart and they reset the system and told me to try again in an hour.

I do not like spending money. This is a stressful time for me already. Now I have to spend that money AGAIN when it was upsetting enough the first time.

I had great plans for this apartment and this process and none of this was a part of it. I had planned perfection in buying the furniture and in what furniture I would receive and how my apartment would end up looking.

Not to be so.

It will still be mine and beautiful and lovely but it isn't what I had planned and that is slightly upsetting.