Wow! I did it!

So, yeah. I am a terrible person and can't stay on top of blogging (to be fair I haven't kept up with housework and floundered at work and in school all semester too). However, today I finished my first semester. With all As.

I am ecstatic!

My lowest score on a test was a 71% in kinesiology. I have begun measures to rectify my difficulty in the subject (hello whiteboards all over my house!).

My lowest paper score (not counting the one that I wrote on a plane and didn't read over before submitting, lesson learned) was an 87%. I will, in the future, double check and triple check all of my APA information, especially regarding citations (my killer of late).

This semester flew by and I am still in a bit of shock that it is over.

Next is Christmas (I might get a post in but, as stated before, I am very bad at that)!

After that, my next semester begins January 14th!

It will be amazing!

Alive

Life has been crazy with work and tests and assignments and everything but I am still going on. My apartment may be a disaster and my brain might not function from day to day but for now I am doing this!

(It helps that starting next year I will only work 32 hours every week. Yay for part-time!)

Still Surviving

At this point mid-semester is here and it is getting crazy. So far I have still passed everything but I am feeling the struggle now more than before.

I informed my boss that I had to go down to part time and hopefully it will go well (haven't been to work to check my email yet) and there won't be any hiccups. It is only one day less every two weeks while working a total of 4 days every week in a fixed schedule but it will be good. Necessary.

Full time was a mistake.

I am definitely having problems with my living conditions, trying to keep on top of everything and keep it neat and tidy and clean (it isn't at all) and I am too stressed often to do anything about it. I haven't folded clothes since my third week here and my "office" is just a clothes room. I want to clean my house but it is so hard with how little time I have had to myself lately.

The isolation is also getting to me. I don't know where the limit is for touching my classmates even as I crave and need touch. The cat is nice but a hug would be nicer. Unfortunately I am no where near there with any of them. So I suffer.

I was spoilt on my 2 day vacation by hugs from family and friends and now I feel their lack more than before (I was doing alright before then).

Classes are both easier because of routine and harder by material. All of it is interesting. Some of it hits a little close to home (probably a contributing cause of today's stressful times).

My body still hates me but is slowly getting better with Physical Therapy.

Just wanted to know that I am still here.

I Passed My First Test!

And I did it with a 97.5%!

Now, that may not seem like a huge deal but for me it was because a part of me still feels as if this is all a dream... or a mistake... or a parallel universe that I accidentally entered, misplacing the other version of myself (an admittedly harder working, less anxious, more stable, successful version of me) and taking over their life.

Now I know (logically) that it isn't true but anxiety isn't logical. So performing well on tests proves to me that, unless I am dreaming, I do belong. I am accomplished. I am doing this. I am not failing.

I have noticed that a lot of my posts here are depressing or uncertain. That is, unfortunately, the reality of my brain at this point in time. Some days are better but nothing happens those days and so I rarely write about them. Some days are worse and I write about them more consistently because I need to get them off my chest and I have no one to talk to about it.

Just the internet on a blog that nobody reads.

But, I passed my first test today with a 97.5%. That is something to be proud of.

The explanation

Yesterday was bad. There is no denying that. I felt "off" all day, repetitive thoughts, doubts, inadequacy. Then it ended with a panic attack. No one's idea of fun.

I kept thinking, although I told my brain to shut it, that I didnt belong in my OT program. That I didn't belong at the school. That I shouldn't be there and am just kidding myself.

I know that it isn't true... But I also know that I wasn't their first pick. I am capable of succeeding. I do belong. But a part of me fears that I do not, that I cheated somehow, regardless of my scores ot my work hours or anything else. It isnt a logical process.

Add on top of that that nearly every day I had some medical procedure (physical therapy 2 days, doctor yesterday, and lung function test today). And it was the first (full) week of school. I was tired. I am tired. And I have been in pain.

I have bursitis in my hip which is very painful. And constant. And digs away at my ability to cope. And I had a medical procedure attempted yesterday (unrelated) that ended up being quite traumatic, through no one's fault at all.

Everything added together upped my unease into an explosion of emotion that wanted out.

So yes. I flapped my hand in order to make my bracelet click. I took an extra long shower. I skimmed through 6 books. And I did not claw at my skin to get at the feeling or make it go away.

I am making progress. Even if it is slight.

So no. I did not get anything done yesterday. But I made it through and I will again.

I will be stronger for my struggles

Anxiety

It began as energy. Well, energy and doubt. Sonething that had been needling in the lack of my mind all day. A cumulative thing, pressing and burrowing. An awareness of inferiority.

Then the event happened. Unexpected. Startling. The energy increased. It was a buzz under my skin, settled as a pit in my stomach. No. That's not right. Burning with a need to get out. Pressing inside skin.

I shoved back. Contained I could ignore it. There was no functioning. No progress, just the struggle.

Breaking free it pressed against me. All directions no way out because it was out. Overwhelming. Suffocating. Leave me alone!

Flapping arm and clicking bracelet keep me from clawing through my skin. Go away. Go away. Get out. Leave me be.

Hot showers and piles of books. Pain and relaxation. Go away. Go away. I have no tine for you. Feelings swell. No sleep. No rest.

Anxiety will not leave me.

Almost on to Day One

That's right! On Wednesday (5 days from now) I will be, officially, a full time student of Occupational Therapy!!!

Very exciting.

I am very nervous.

I have fears that nothing will work out.

I have fears that I will not be able to handle the schedule (work and school and life).

I have fears that I have made a terrible mistake.

However, I will persevere.

I will not give up.

I can do this.

Cleanliness

"Cleanliness is next to godliness." I have always hated this saying, ever since I was a child. I honestly have no clue who first said it and have never much cared because I wholeheartedly disagree with it regardless. At least in regards to housekeeping.

I am not a clean person or, rather, I am not the type of person who can easily keep their surroundings clean especially in my own space. Cleaning can, on occasion, cause intense anxiety and stress. It is not that I cannot clean it is that I do not like to. Growing up, cleaning was never a family activity and our home was not kept very clean and so cleaning days were a time of stress and anxiety. Unfortunately that stress and anxiety grew with me and so cleaning became a necessary evil instead of a gratifying necessity.

Even more unfortunate is that the lack of cleanliness became a sense of shame. I would hate having people come over, I wouldn't invite friends over and even when family visited our home I just wanted them to leave. I was ashamed of the state of my home and I didn't want others to see it. I pushed them out and isolated myself.

I still isolate myself and keep people out. Even when my home is clean I don't want others to come in, "Leave me alone, get out!" is what my brain says.

I want to change that and I know that it won't be a quick process to change. To begin, I am going to be honest about my housekeeping skills, my personal ability to keep things clean, as it has been the main cause of much of my anxiety in the past.

It is time that I am honest about my reality (and show off my apartment, finally).

This is about the view from my kitchen door/front door area.

And here is the view of my living room and front door.

Here are a few pictures of my kitchen. Note the covered table, the open cabinets and the box that has been on the floor for about 5 days.

Next is my bathroom. The floor is swept about 3 times a week (same days that I scoop the cat box) and the box is emptied about once a week but the counter is covered with stuff in a disorganized sprawl.

My spare bedroom (and hopefully my eventual office/workout zone if I can ever buy the rest of the furniture) is basically just a place where I am storing boxes until I feel like breaking them down and carrying them to the dumpster. Not pictured: my desk.

My bedroom is minimally furnished (bed, dresser, nightstand) but still manages to be a little bit messy.

This is my life.
It is normal and it is okay.

A few ruminations

So I have no idea what I posted last. I could look, don't really feel like it. Instead I will just wing it today and write about some of the things that have been going on in the last week or so.

Food:
I was really concerned that I wouldn't eat enough living on my own and it was a valid concern given my history and my health. So far it hasn't been an issue (if anything I feel that I am eating too much). However, this fear did lead me to stocking up on a lot of food. So much food that, other than fruit, juice, and milk, I probably don't need to buy anything else for a good 3 weeks... or maybe a month...

I am hoping to cook more but so far have just made a grilled bagel sandwich and some brownies... in the week that I have lived here. Mostly been eating crackers with cheese, yogurt, hummus, corn chips (Tostitos), and fruit and the occasional (one) tv dinner. I also had leftovers one day. Although I do plan on making enchiladas tonight. Yay, progress.

Exercise:
I had this elaborate and great plan to exercise here. So far, nothing. Well, once. I want to but I feel crummy and my head is all stuffed up and my ears and my lungs are tight when I breathe... So basically haven't felt up to it, even though there is a vague desire for it. I have been stretching more often but that is about it.

Here is the plan for when I am more well:
-Stretch everyday (I should do this now) for 5 minutes
-Exercise on my little elliptical thing (once I get around to spending the $90 on it) 2 days a week for 10 minutes and 2 days a week for 30 minutes (obviously the weekend for those longer ones)
-T'ai Chi (also, could do this now) 3 days a week, completing the 24-forms (I can only do about 5 of them right now...)
-Body resistance exercises (sit-ups, planks, push ups, lunges, etc) 2 days a week for 10 minutes (one time on weekend one time during the week)

We will see if it ever gets done. Any of it...

Money:
So I am alright with money although I ma not ready to spend more for another year or more. I don't have much in checking (once you take out my medical payments and my insurance) but I have enough for emergencies (or more cold medicine). I am determined not to take more out of savings though until I need to buy my school books. Although I know that I will need to pay my cable and electric next month but by then I should have had another check or two come in. I have one more coming from St Luke's (my PTO payout) and from my new job at St Alexius. All should be fine, even with having an extra $600 charge on groceries and household items (the world is expensive!)

Work:
Here is where I admit to being grateful for my previous job (even more so) as it made me infinitely flexible in regards to patient care. Not to brag (much) but I feel that I can handle nearly any situation that arises in  a healthcare setting thanks to my previous adventures so this job isn't as impossibly stressful as I thought that it would be. It will take me time to get into a perfect rhythm and get all my timing right but I know that I will get there soon.

At this point I don't even think that I need the full 3 more days of orientation. I kinda feel ready (I say now...) just need to practice getting out of there on time and getting into bed before midnight so that I will be set when school starts up (hahaha).

Pictures:
Still working on those. I have some but I am too lazy to post them right now.

Cat:
He is so bored! He stays up all night and has nothing to do and then sleeps all day so I hardly ever see him and when I do it is only to throw him off of me at 4 in the morning. I need to get him toys. After I figure out what he will actually play with...

An update of the last few days

So I am in Bismarck! (And have been for six days....)

It is alright here, although I miss Idaho and the familiar and already miss my family (yes, there were tears although I held it together until they left... barely). It will take me a while to get used to it here, I am not good with change and this is a major change. I honestly didn't expect it to be so different from Nampa, ID. I expected smaller but not any great changes, boy was I wrong. Bismarck feels like a strange combination of new and outdated. Some aspects are so modern that it almost blows your socks off but they are subtle things. Others take you back into 2008 or 2003 or (in the case of my kitchen stove) 1972.

The people are a similar enigma. They are a strange mixture of laid-back and gruff, as if they can't quite decide which to be so they chose both. They aren't, so far, as chatty as those in Idaho but their overall demeanor isn't mean, just reserved. You would think that with all this space they would be more secure in being big but I suppose that it could be the opposite. Because there is so much space, it is overwhelming and they stay to themselves. They certainly don't make as much eye contact as I am used to.

I wonder what they make of me?

My apartment is nice. Spacious. Perfect... well... Almost perfect. As I mentioned, my stove is from the 70s and only has 3 working burners. The AC unit is not made for 100+ degrees. And, most importantly right now, my toilet is mostly broken (not flushing, leaking around the base), backing up into the tub, and leaking into the apartment below me. I hope it is fixed today because I would really like to shower... or flush my toilet.

Also I don't have a couch (as of right now) or my chair. The couch was supposed to come yesterday but now won't arrive for another 2 days (estimated). The chair won't be here for 2.5 more weeks. Luckily I have kitchen chairs to sit in. But my couch would have been nice.

I will make a separate post about work and the end of my online class (once it ends!) when I have a bit more time.

Heat exhaustion sucks

So, yeah. it does.

I feel like crap.

Who would think that I would get to my new home and be completely ill? (Actually, with my track record after long drives I shouldn't be surprised...)

I have never had heat exhaustion before (combined with dehydration or alone). It isn't pleasant (headache, dizziness, fatigue, stomach cramps, clammy skin) and I would not recommend it. Should have bought more frozen peas.

Meanwhile, I did sign my lease and am now officially an independent renter. Yay.

Now if I could only feel well enough to set it up.