Obviously still great at this whole blogging thing, an update.

Hello, Internet! I still exist (although it has been pretty touch and go so far this semester. This week (in 2.5 days) will mark spring break and I need this! It has been crazy busy lately with classes and I have been struggling a lot to get everything done on time, keep up with my work schedule, and keep a bit of occupational balance in there as well. At varying times these last 7.5 weeks, each of these has gone down the drain.

I have learned that I need to sleep before tests (or else the resulting deprivation migraine will take you out and you won't be able to even read the questions and you will fail spectacularly). Also, I was reminded on the importance to take time to do things that I enjoy as often as possible. Also, to set the burden down instead of holding on to it. Yeah, that was a good day of reminders.

Now for a little update on the things that have been going on (before the big non-school related thing):
I am currently passing everything.
I did not end up making or working on a quilt and gave up. Still a cool idea though.
Group projects are still terrible but we are doing it!
Tonight I make my last edit on my doctoral proposal.
I have started making some great life changes.

Okay, on that last one. I am not known for being active or healthy. I am a couch potato and a recluse and an asthmatic and very awkward. However, I have also been just "blah" lately. I have felt gross and been eating terribly and sleeping worse. I had no appetite and yet just ate junk all the time. I was eating out for half my meals and never enjoyed anything. So I decided to make a change.

I started by cutting off my hair.

Then I moved forward and cut out most snacking after 10pm, not all since I am not perfect and I work until 11, but most. I started buying better ingredients. I started meal planning again.

Most impressively, I started to work out (seriously) for the first time in 3 years. I also started running for the first time in who knows how long (probably since 2014 or longer). I don't work out for long, just 10-15 minutes followed by a short 0.5 miles (of which I run about 2/3 of the time). But is has made a HUGE improvement on my life. I am hungry again and have energy and I sleep. It has been one week today and I feel amazing.

 It hasn't changed how I look. I still have the same waistline and the same belly. I still have good thighs. My skin isn't suddenly clearer. I have not lost any weight. But I feel more alive and more capable. My aches and pains are less than they were as I strengthen all the muscles that support my impacted joints.

The only downside is that I am focused a nit more on that physical side of things. I do want to have a flatter belly and to reach my goal weight. I have ALWAYS wanted clearer skin. Working out it bringing these desires to the forefront and making them more of a focus. It is a personal issue that I need to work trough.

All in all, I am just plugging away at this semester, insanely busy and stressed but finding joy where I can (mainly Broadchurch and Doctor Who).

Distractions and a Project

Alright... so my scheduled posts (the ones I mentioned before about the actual school stuff) are in the works but it is 2:30am and I am not at all tired so I will instead update on a project that I can (hopefully) follow through with. Also, I am still awake at 2:30 in the morning and need something to do so I don't pack up and head out to Walmart...

So, in a sudden burst of inspiration (with several origins that I will probably go into here because it is late and I have no filter), I have decided to take up making 1000 origami cranes. My very own senzaburu. However, because it is me and I (1) never do anything normally and (2) am not the biggest fan of folding paper since it is so fiddly (and yes, I realize that the patience to manage the fiddly paper is part of why it is such a big deal to make 1000 cranes), I have added my own twist to things.

I will be making an origami crane quilt. On this quilt will be 1000 individual 4inX4in squares with an origami crane in the center. they will eventually be sewn together into a full quilt.

Assuming I make it that far.

The reasons for this (since you know I have to go into them) are a little circumvential (not even sure if this is a thing or the right word). It started at the beginning of last semester with our mental health group class where we actually participated in and led group therapy. On our first day we folded an origami paper crane. I then made several more cranes in my spare time while at work and so cranes have off and on been on my mind these last few months (I even made one out of a ticket stub at a movie!).

Then I noticed recently that my quilt has a few rips in it from the cat constantly attacking my feet. Also from the fact that it is 11 years old. I got this quilt from Deseret from a donation during Christmas during a time when we had basically no money and the church gave us each a $75 paper to get "Christmas presents" from the store. Someone had made quilts for the occasion and I "bought" one. I have used now through 6 (or more) houses in 3 different states. It is becoming worn.

I had been playing with the idea of taking up cross stitch so that got fabric and sewing into my mind, making me more prone to looking into starting something of this nature.

Then cranes were mentioned again on an episode of Eureka in season 4 and I decided to quilt one. Then I decided to quilt 4 in a little decoration.

Then today I decided that quilting 1000 was the best idea.

And so here we are. Tomorrow (which means today after I sleep and then wake up and get ready) I will buy my first 3 bits of fabric, some good thread, and a strong pair of scissors. and then I will get started.

New Year 2020

It's officially a new year, a new decade. Truly the start of something new and exciting. I am cautiously optimistic about this new year (and decade) and the adventures and opportunities that it will hold. It is going to be a fun one.

For the past several weeks (or months), the internet has been filled with the decade challenge and people's new year resolutions so I thought that I would play along.

Let's start with reviewing the last decade:
At the start of 2010 I was still a freshman in high school, 14.5 years old and I thought I knew where my life was heading. I didn't know that I would be in an OTD program or that I would work as a CNA for 3+ years or that I would end up moving to ID or find 2 more siblings. These things never would ave occurred to me because I was a child and didn't exactly think everything through (and honestly, most of this could not have been predicted.

My college plans were nothing like I predicted either, having planned on going directly to grad school after completing my bachelor's degree. I never anticipated working for 2 years before being accepted into a program. And I certainly never dreamed that this program would be in North Dakota.

I thought then that relationships would come easily and that I knew my beliefs when the reality is much different. Relationships are hard and slightly impossible and my beliefs have changed drastically.

I am the same person and completely different than I was. And 10 years from now I will probably have a similar analysis with a similar conclusion.

And now, reviewing the last year:
Outcomes of my "resolutions":
(1) To not cut or dye my hair --> I did really well with this one (which is funny because it was the one I was sure would fail). It was actually the only resolution that I remembered making. My hair has gotten longer and I have enjoyed it being longer and being able to style it again (braids and plats are fun). I noticed great improvement in my stress management strategies that did not include just chopping my hair off when things got rough.

That being said, I did get my hair trimmed today to get rid of the year long frizzy split ends. However I am going to continue to let it grow and will not be dying it again at this time.

(2) To take opportunities as they come --> Still a work in progress but I think it went passably well. Last year I did manage to take life more in stride, opportunities and failings. I made a conscious effort to accept what came my way and move with it instead of against it. Definitely something to continue to improve though as I continue to make long and complex lists and plans for the future.

(3) To be more accepting of my faults --> I had a really rough few semesters and struggled with a lot of assignments and classes which really gave me the opportunity to practice this skill. I definitely made improvements. However, I do struggle a lot with accepting more superficial and perceived "faults" (body image, dress style, exercise) and so that was an interesting discovery that I was not aware of before.

(4) To make more of an effort to connect with others --> I finally know most of my classmates! I really went out of my way to connect with people this last year and have definitely made improvements in my socialization. At both work and school I became more adept at socializing and connecting with my peers and have noticed an increased feeling of support and community.

This last year was rough and filled with terrifying new experiences (fieldwork, group classes, meeting new family, etc.), stressful schoolwork and classes, and changing visions of the future. It was also amazing because I made it through all of that and am still going strong.

In this coming year, I have every intention to continue the growth that I have begun as I work to be the healthiest and happiest version of myself. As such, I will not be making any resolutions but I will make goals (basically the same thing but with less pressure attached) in order to achieve "optimum health". And there will only be 3 of them because then I might actually remember to do them.

Here they are:

(1) Spend at least 15 minutes of uninterrupted time outside at least three times a week --> This is more than just walking out to a your car and calling it good. This involves taking the time out of your day to walk outside and enjoy the sun (or snow or rain or whatever) and admire the natural (or artificially natural) world. Also might help boost my vitamin D...

(2)  Be active, in any way, for at least 15 minutes at least twice a week. --> My goal is health and as such, starting slow is the goal. Often, exercise, for me anyhow, fails because I rush into everything too quickly and then burn out. By setting the goal low and slow I increase my activity without running the risk of burning myself out. (On that note, I might try yoga or some simple activities like that in order to increase overall balance and flexibility).

(3) Take time for myself for at least an hour once a week for a mental health break. --> This goal is concerned directly with maintaining a healthy balance in my life. By setting aside a time every week that is solely for me, I will be able to take a brain break from all the stress and worry of the semester and my responsibilities in order to center myself and re-focus.

Let's hope it goes well.

Happy New Year!

Obviously great at this

As you can probably tell I am obviously great at blogging. I mean, twice a semester, WOW. And I write in such a concise and organized fashion, I never ramble on in incoherent sentences (yes, I am looking at you 2019 New Year's post).

Although, if I am being honest, this is about what I expected when I began this blog. I am notoriously bad at keeping up with these things, especially when stressed (which is just about all the time right now).

To make up for it I am going to try for 3 posts before Classes start back up in a couple weeks: a coherent New Year's post for 2020, a review of the last semester, and my hopes for this coming semester (which will be my last full semester on campus).

Here's to hoping I can get these done before January 12th!

I survived!!!!!

The semester is over! I learned a lot, both in class and outside of class. I am ready for a break (more than ready, really). Bring on the 3.5 weeks of doing nothing (except work, cleaning, travelling, etc...)!

Yeah. So exciting!

I'm Thankful that this semester is almost through

Happy Thanksgiving!

Man it has been a rough semester. I am making it and surviving but it has been HARD this year. The burnout has been real and the uncertainty has been real. And these next 2.5 weeks will be the worst yet. (Also, can you believe that there are only 2.5 weeks left this semester??? It feels like it just started! Where did the time go???)

But that is for another day (specifically tomorrow) because today I am making a real Thanksgiving post.

That's right, this year I am actually excited for the Holiday season! I probably has something to do with the intense burnout, the promise of no more school for a few weeks, and just needing something to look forward to.

I had a lovely day, all things considered. I went to 2 Thanksgiving gatherings, ate great food and spent time with good people. I even played board games (5ish hours of Monopoly anyone??? We literally finished Merry Happy Whatever and 2 or 3 episodes of the Office before it was over.)

It was just nice to forget, even for a few hours, that school was a thing. To talk and eat and joke and just be with other people for a while... Even if the end of Monopoly did turn into an NBCOT and Spanish study session.

Hugs were given and many were had and it was a good night.

Then we went home and decorated for Christmas... in our own way.

We have our Christmas Fan with our Stockings hung with care,

The garland lamp.

The Kitsunes got an upgrade.

And the the bookshelf got a makeover too!

Even the door became just a little festive!

Here's to a happy end of a stressful semester!!

How to move on from failure

I feel like this is the place to be frank. To be up front about the events of school. That of course includes the bad. This last week I failed an assignment. I missed an important section and lost a lot of points. It got me hard. I have been struggling to keep up this semester compared to previous ones. I'm feeling constantly drawn out and overstretched and uncertain. And then I failed an assignment. In a way, it was a wake up call. And in a way it was a godsend. 

And in another way, it was the most devastating moment of my grad school career. 

Of course, the thing about facing the most devastating and life ending moment of your career is that you get up the next day having faced it. It has now happened. I survived. Sure, I might have done a couple things I will regret later after the immediate discovery. Sure, for a brief moment my world fell apart. But I still moved forward.

I still have other assignments to do. Even if I may second guess my abilities and second guess my work, I still have to do them. I can't stop now. I refuse to give in to my own doubting.

Sure, I may need to take more care of my anxiety for a time. I may need to plan and schedule and give myslef extra time for uncertainty, but I will continue to move forward. 

As a friend reminded me today, "Breathe. Take it one thing at a time. You are fine."

And I am. Or I will be. Just keep moving forward.

Halfway through the first of the second year

So... obviously I am terrible at posting but I am still here. I am still in school. I am still making it. Thing is, most days I don't really know how. Six weeks have passed since the beginning of this semester and I feel as if no time has passed at all. And not in the good way of "oh where did the time go" but more in the "I swear I fell asleep five minutes ago, why is my alarm already going off" type way.

I am passing everything but couldn't say how I am doing that. I am completing my assignments, although I completely spaced one and I feel like I am constantly playing catch-up on them, even with my scheduling and planning and close watch on the calendar.

I also constantly feel as if I have no idea what I am doing. Half the assignments I start feel like BS, even when they turn out well I just feel perplexed. As if I am constantly on the border between ridiculous crying and hysterical laughter.

I live most every week in a near constant state of stress and fear (although to be fair, the fear has gotten better these last couple weeks but it is still here). As if I am grossly unprepared for what I am doing, have no idea what that is, and really should figure it all out someday.

But, despite that, despite all of that, I am here. I am still going on with this journey. I am still working at it and trying my best and picking up the pieces.

Although my freezer breaking last night is not helping matters... Hopefully all my meat (that I just bought) hasn't gone bad. I really can't afford that... Hopefully the repair-man calls soon...

Yesterday there was Tragedy, Today there is Fear

Today, I saw a video by put out by James Corbin. It went through all of his coverings of mass shootings in the last 4 years since he began his show here in the US, ending with the one from just 2 days ago. And the one 13 hours before that. 

Today, I saw a video by Trevor Noah. He described all the ways in which so many lawmakers in this country make mass shootings about everything but the guns people use to kill others.

Today, I watched a video by Stephen Colbert. He described the message of the President of this country who could not even remember the city in which the shooting had occurred and decided to blame immigrants, albeit indirectly

Today, I saw countless news feeds decrying Mitch McConnell for his delay in bringing bipartisan gun legislation, which had already passed the house, to a vote.

Today, one of my patients was watching NRA TV in their room.

Today, I had to stop following a discussion online because it felt pointless to debate with people who seem to care more about the rights of the few who own guns rather than about human life as a whole. 

Today, I took care of a dying man who has no insurance because their Medicare "expired".

Today, I was afraid.

Fear is not uncommon in my life. It fuels and is fueled by my anxiety. It is fueled by the stores I see on television and the news stories I read in the paper. Normally, my fear is simply an acknowledgement of the possibilities. Today it was a gripping vise. I walked out of work and I held my bag a little closer, my keys a little tighter. The night air seemed heavier than usual, full of threat and possibility. 

If it can happen in El Paso and in Dayton... If it could happen to those 31 people who died just a few days ago... It could happen to me.

This increased awareness of the possibility of my own demise, this vigilance and anxiety and worry brought back old wounds and fears that were no more than blips in my mind before. 

I am lucky that my fears are only from possibilities and stories and news. I am lucky that my nightmares have never come true and I am not the one sitting with a loved one dead, dying, or hurt. I am lucky that I am not dead myself.

I also understand that it could happen. That is what is reinforced every time there is a mass shooting, my understanding that on any given day I have the potential to be murdered. Or my family. Or my friends. Or their friends.This time it wasn't me or mine. Next time, it could be. 

I have no calls to action because those are all over the net. I have no harsh words for those who support harmful rhetoric because everyone does. I have no prayers to give because enough prayers have been given a thousand times over. I have only the reminder of common decency. Of love and companionship. Of humanity. We are all the same, living in the same world, breathing the same air, struggling to reach the same goals. We all want to live. To be happy. To be loved. To be safe.

Instead of calling each other evil and blaming each other we should unite together; stand as one against the onslaught of fear and uncertainty that these past few days have brought back into the light. Let us stand as one so that we may support each other through this tragic and unnecessary loss of life. Let us stand as one so that we might reject hatred. Let us stand as one so that perhaps, one day, we do not have to wonder when the other shoe may drop... so that none of us have to live in fear.

Yesterday, there was tragedy. Today, there is fear. Perhaps Tomorrow there can be hope.

One Day More... Or maybe Two...

I am almost done with the last semester before my summer break. One Stats quiz. Two response posts. One Cronk assignment.

And one brain not at all functioning... It took all day just to work on a simple assignment which, so long as I pass I don't really care about at this point. That's the problem with end of the semester assignments, once your brain is fried they don't really get the best outta ya.

Updates as they come.

A true Shakespearean Father's Day

It is no secret that I don't particularly enjoy holidays but most of them I grin and bear. Or groan and bear... It really depends on how I'm feeling. The one holiday that I have never enjoyed and cannot bring myself to find reason with (in my personal life, at least) is Father's Day. Mainly because, as one might guess, I do not have a father.

See, when I was little, growing up in a moderately-mostly religious home, I would always just say something to the effect of "God is my father" and be done with it. I didn't care. I made extra cards for my mom and life went on as always. As I got older and my cynicism increased, so to did my dislike of the contrived and forced holidays. Including Father's Day (and Mother's Day and most days of awareness for things and most of the non-large holidays)...

So, Here is my realistic Father's Day post using my  Father's Day tradition: Hamlet.

That's right. I have watched the 3-hour long BBC edition of Hamlet (staring David Tennant as Hamlet) every Father's day since 2014. 

After all, what could be better on a day meant to honor one's father than a whole bunch of people murdering each other in revenge of their fathers?

Of course, I will never get that chance (not that I would ever have had the inclination to in the first place...) as I do not and probably will never know my father. And, even if I were to miraculously find the man and he needed avenging, I do not live in a fairy tale (or Shakespearean tragedy or the Princess Bride) where I would set it as my life goal to about avenging him.

Makes no sense to avenge a person you have never met just because they share your biology. I don't and wouldn't owe them anything.

Nonetheless, I will continue to enjoy my yearly Hamlet as I watch the true meaning of Father's Day: Watching a whole bunch of drama over murdered fathers that ends in at least 10 funerals.