Doubt

The joy has worn off. It honestly lasted longer than I thought it would. As I approach the month mark I begin to question whether this is really a good decision. Can I truly do this? Am I insane to think that I can survive 3 years of graduate school? Am I insane to be competing with these other people academically? Intellectually I know that I am qualified. Intellectually I know that I will be an amazing therapist. Emotionally, however, the process getting there seems near impossible.

Here I am going against actual "balanced" people, people who are everything that I am not on the surface. Me, I am driven and smart but I am reclusive and sedentary. Yes, I have plans to change it. Yes, I want to do more but I am not competitive to these people.

I have a job and an apartment (or will on Friday) but can I really succeed with my schedule? Can I be what I need to be? Can I achieve anything? I hate self-sabotage and can't seem to shake it. Maybe it will get easier.... I want to do well. I want to be the best that I can be... I want to be good as a student and a person and, eventually, a therapist. Right now I'm not feeling very confident in that.

I have an apartment!!!

Alright, that might be an overstatement at this point as the down payment won't be put down until Friday BUT I will have an apartment! A lovely, well priced, 2 bedroom home just for me and the cat. Of course there will be pictures when I move in but from the internet pictures I am in love. It is a second floor apartment with a recently renovated kitchen, a pantry, nice flooring, and a good floorplan. It is also huge at around 800sqft. AND is on the same level as the laundry. And is a half mile from a bookstore AND Target...

Basically I am over the moon right now.

Online class started

I started my online class today. hesitantly optimistic about it. Very hesitant. Also feeling good. HUGE range of emotions going on here, obviously.

I have a job!!!

Wonder of wonders, today I was offered a job!!! I will be employed when I get to Bismarck in 7 weeks from today! So much shock and joy right now it is ridiculous!!!

Present Living

I am going to be brutally honest about the hardest part of preparing to move to North Dakota and start school: Planning. I am a HUGE planner for every aspect of my life (from menus to school schedules) and thus I have, of course, begun planning my exodus from Idaho. The problem is, right now, there are very few constants. I do not yet have a job lined up, despite applying to several. I do not yet have an apartment and watch as, day by day, the options dwindle. Thus I create my lists and plans as things of constant surety. I plan for the future as if it were known because by doing so I can sit with a sense of calm, of knowledge that all will be well and I will accomplish that which I have planned.

Unfortunately, it does cause a problem when living one's daily life.

When you live in the future as if it is a certainty, as if the decisions have been and are already set in stone, you lose the flexibility of surprise. You can also increase anxiety when surprise is occurs, as it is inevitable. The truth is that no one can know the future, it is a fluid and ever changing tapestry, any plans are only outlines until they become concrete. There are choices you can make, but you cannot control the choices of others. It is a tapestry made in the present and cemented in the past.

Another problem is the difference between immediate planning and future planning. I can make a plan for what I should do today, tomorrow,or next week and know with relative certainty that those plans can be achieved if I stick to it. However when I make a plan for next month or next year or five years from now, It is merely an outline, an option, a possibility. Plans of mortals made for the future are folly... and unavoidable.

So here I am, a foolish human, making those plans.

Letter of Resignation

This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write. I have enjoyed my time at my current job and dearly love my co-workers. Thus leaving is quite a difficult process. While this is a happy event in my life, there is a definite sense of sorrow in the change. This was a moment of sorrow.

Dear __________,

This is a letter that is hard to write, for all that it is necessary. As you are aware I was recently accepted into the OTD program at the University of Mary in Bismarck, ND and as such I will be leaving Idaho at the end of the current schedule, which ends 8/18/2018. Thus it is with a heavy heart that I write to you today my official letter of resignation. As such, I will not be scheduling myself on the next schedule... or any schedule thereafter. 

These last (almost) two years have been an unending adventure with some of the best people I have ever encountered. I will greatly miss my Meridian 6 family and the crazy experiences that I have had here. I especially like to thank you for your help, support, criticism, and understanding these last couple of years, you have not only helped me to become a better CNA but also given me more confidence in my abilities and approach to problems in my life. I will long value the lessons I have learned and the people with whom I have worked, and I will greatly miss the latter.

Sincerely,

Breannen McEnany

Battling emotions

Inferiority; uncertainty; fear

So a huge part of the last week has been me battling my conflicting emotions and struggling to come to terms with my new reality. The other day I identified three main emotions that have come over me recently: inferiority, uncertainty, and fear. While they are written in the order of severity I am going to examine them backwards.

Fear
This is the most understandable of my emotions as I will be moving to a new state and experiencing many things for the very first time (living on my own, being completely self-reliant, going to graduate school). This is also the emotion that I am having the best success at quieting. I have learned that planning and preparation can reduce fear or at least keep it from being entirely paralyzing (most of the time). While there are days where I am completely paralyzed and overwhelmed (and I am sure there will be more days to come), I can normally recover in a few hours.

Uncertainty
This emotion is strongly linked to fear or at least to the basis of the fear: change. I am simply uncertain what exactly the future holds where before I felt like I knew. This is another emotion that planning goes a long way to alleviate.

Inferiority
This one is tough, very tough, because it is based purely on internal emotional stimuli, not on any externally controlled situation and also because it is already a part of my daily emotional instability so there is more fuel behind it. I don't want to say that as a female I experience more instances of inferiority than most because I feel that is unnecessarily sexist, but as a social human in the 21st century, I (like most) experience  instances of inferiority. Most of these revolve around looks, money, accomplishments in life, and so forth. I see people who are fit and I feel inferior compared to them, knowing that I could improve if I only began acting differently (an unfortunate truth in my life). Or I see someone with beautiful skin/eyes/hair/etc. and I feel inferior to them because my face always looks like I have a sunburn but is too sensitive to wear most makeup (thanks, rosacea!), my eyes have puffy skin underneath, and my hair can never seem to look how I want it to. For the most part these are the only inferiorities that I battle in my life... Except in regards to schooling...

In education, I constantly feel inferior to others. Even when I am doing well. Even when I am succeeding. I know consciously that most of this inferiority is irrational, to be where I am I had to meet the same requirements and standards as all the other admitted students. I had to have scored in the same set standards in my grades, observation, and GRE. I know this bit I still feel inferior. A part of it is that I am seeing these people through the lens of social media which distorts reality (a list was given with the names of my classmates for lab purposes, I am only moderately stalker-y). A much larger part is knowing that I was most likely the last admitted to the program. While still admitted, I was not their first or even 39th choice. I was a back-up, the player not meant to play (I was even told that I would not be admitted to the program a few months back), and while I am eternally grateful and know I will succeed, I cannot help but feel that I am coming in at a disadvantage.

My unfortunate problem

So it seems that I have a problem, although since I seem to have no control over this problem can it truly be called "mine", I wonder? Anyway, my problem is my name... or rather official misspelling of my name. See, I understand that my name is difficult. It is long. It is uncommon. But, if I spell it out for you I really don't think that it is too much to expect it to be spelled right. Well, this week alone I have been confronted 3 times with my misspelled name (4 if you include the "fix" of one misspelling). One of these on an official transcript which has held up, again, my registration to the program.

So in honor of the terrible day I am having due to this "mix-up" here are the ways that my name has been misspelled (recently and in the past):

Breanna McEaneny

Breannan McEaneny (x2)

Berannen McEnany (The problem one on the transcript)

Reannen MEnany (dropped "B" on my CNA license)

Breannen Mcenamy (mistyped last name when first hired)

Bre ---> Brea ---> Bread (once my nickname was misspelled and auto-correct turned it  into "bread")

So, that's all! A humorous post to end my absolutely infuriating experience of having to wait another weekend to be offically "registered" for UMary and be able to sign up classes, including the one that begins in 24 days.