Obviously great at this

As you can probably tell I am obviously great at blogging. I mean, twice a semester, WOW. And I write in such a concise and organized fashion, I never ramble on in incoherent sentences (yes, I am looking at you 2019 New Year's post).

Although, if I am being honest, this is about what I expected when I began this blog. I am notoriously bad at keeping up with these things, especially when stressed (which is just about all the time right now).

To make up for it I am going to try for 3 posts before Classes start back up in a couple weeks: a coherent New Year's post for 2020, a review of the last semester, and my hopes for this coming semester (which will be my last full semester on campus).

Here's to hoping I can get these done before January 12th!

I survived!!!!!

The semester is over! I learned a lot, both in class and outside of class. I am ready for a break (more than ready, really). Bring on the 3.5 weeks of doing nothing (except work, cleaning, travelling, etc...)!

Yeah. So exciting!

I'm Thankful that this semester is almost through

Happy Thanksgiving!

Man it has been a rough semester. I am making it and surviving but it has been HARD this year. The burnout has been real and the uncertainty has been real. And these next 2.5 weeks will be the worst yet. (Also, can you believe that there are only 2.5 weeks left this semester??? It feels like it just started! Where did the time go???)

But that is for another day (specifically tomorrow) because today I am making a real Thanksgiving post.

That's right, this year I am actually excited for the Holiday season! I probably has something to do with the intense burnout, the promise of no more school for a few weeks, and just needing something to look forward to.

I had a lovely day, all things considered. I went to 2 Thanksgiving gatherings, ate great food and spent time with good people. I even played board games (5ish hours of Monopoly anyone??? We literally finished Merry Happy Whatever and 2 or 3 episodes of the Office before it was over.)

It was just nice to forget, even for a few hours, that school was a thing. To talk and eat and joke and just be with other people for a while... Even if the end of Monopoly did turn into an NBCOT and Spanish study session.

Hugs were given and many were had and it was a good night.

Then we went home and decorated for Christmas... in our own way.

We have our Christmas Fan with our Stockings hung with care,

The garland lamp.

The Kitsunes got an upgrade.

And the the bookshelf got a makeover too!

Even the door became just a little festive!

Here's to a happy end of a stressful semester!!

How to move on from failure

I feel like this is the place to be frank. To be up front about the events of school. That of course includes the bad. This last week I failed an assignment. I missed an important section and lost a lot of points. It got me hard. I have been struggling to keep up this semester compared to previous ones. I'm feeling constantly drawn out and overstretched and uncertain. And then I failed an assignment. In a way, it was a wake up call. And in a way it was a godsend. 

And in another way, it was the most devastating moment of my grad school career. 

Of course, the thing about facing the most devastating and life ending moment of your career is that you get up the next day having faced it. It has now happened. I survived. Sure, I might have done a couple things I will regret later after the immediate discovery. Sure, for a brief moment my world fell apart. But I still moved forward.

I still have other assignments to do. Even if I may second guess my abilities and second guess my work, I still have to do them. I can't stop now. I refuse to give in to my own doubting.

Sure, I may need to take more care of my anxiety for a time. I may need to plan and schedule and give myslef extra time for uncertainty, but I will continue to move forward. 

As a friend reminded me today, "Breathe. Take it one thing at a time. You are fine."

And I am. Or I will be. Just keep moving forward.

Halfway through the first of the second year

So... obviously I am terrible at posting but I am still here. I am still in school. I am still making it. Thing is, most days I don't really know how. Six weeks have passed since the beginning of this semester and I feel as if no time has passed at all. And not in the good way of "oh where did the time go" but more in the "I swear I fell asleep five minutes ago, why is my alarm already going off" type way.

I am passing everything but couldn't say how I am doing that. I am completing my assignments, although I completely spaced one and I feel like I am constantly playing catch-up on them, even with my scheduling and planning and close watch on the calendar.

I also constantly feel as if I have no idea what I am doing. Half the assignments I start feel like BS, even when they turn out well I just feel perplexed. As if I am constantly on the border between ridiculous crying and hysterical laughter.

I live most every week in a near constant state of stress and fear (although to be fair, the fear has gotten better these last couple weeks but it is still here). As if I am grossly unprepared for what I am doing, have no idea what that is, and really should figure it all out someday.

But, despite that, despite all of that, I am here. I am still going on with this journey. I am still working at it and trying my best and picking up the pieces.

Although my freezer breaking last night is not helping matters... Hopefully all my meat (that I just bought) hasn't gone bad. I really can't afford that... Hopefully the repair-man calls soon...

Yesterday there was Tragedy, Today there is Fear

Today, I saw a video by put out by James Corbin. It went through all of his coverings of mass shootings in the last 4 years since he began his show here in the US, ending with the one from just 2 days ago. And the one 13 hours before that. 

Today, I saw a video by Trevor Noah. He described all the ways in which so many lawmakers in this country make mass shootings about everything but the guns people use to kill others.

Today, I watched a video by Stephen Colbert. He described the message of the President of this country who could not even remember the city in which the shooting had occurred and decided to blame immigrants, albeit indirectly

Today, I saw countless news feeds decrying Mitch McConnell for his delay in bringing bipartisan gun legislation, which had already passed the house, to a vote.

Today, one of my patients was watching NRA TV in their room.

Today, I had to stop following a discussion online because it felt pointless to debate with people who seem to care more about the rights of the few who own guns rather than about human life as a whole. 

Today, I took care of a dying man who has no insurance because their Medicare "expired".

Today, I was afraid.

Fear is not uncommon in my life. It fuels and is fueled by my anxiety. It is fueled by the stores I see on television and the news stories I read in the paper. Normally, my fear is simply an acknowledgement of the possibilities. Today it was a gripping vise. I walked out of work and I held my bag a little closer, my keys a little tighter. The night air seemed heavier than usual, full of threat and possibility. 

If it can happen in El Paso and in Dayton... If it could happen to those 31 people who died just a few days ago... It could happen to me.

This increased awareness of the possibility of my own demise, this vigilance and anxiety and worry brought back old wounds and fears that were no more than blips in my mind before. 

I am lucky that my fears are only from possibilities and stories and news. I am lucky that my nightmares have never come true and I am not the one sitting with a loved one dead, dying, or hurt. I am lucky that I am not dead myself.

I also understand that it could happen. That is what is reinforced every time there is a mass shooting, my understanding that on any given day I have the potential to be murdered. Or my family. Or my friends. Or their friends.This time it wasn't me or mine. Next time, it could be. 

I have no calls to action because those are all over the net. I have no harsh words for those who support harmful rhetoric because everyone does. I have no prayers to give because enough prayers have been given a thousand times over. I have only the reminder of common decency. Of love and companionship. Of humanity. We are all the same, living in the same world, breathing the same air, struggling to reach the same goals. We all want to live. To be happy. To be loved. To be safe.

Instead of calling each other evil and blaming each other we should unite together; stand as one against the onslaught of fear and uncertainty that these past few days have brought back into the light. Let us stand as one so that we may support each other through this tragic and unnecessary loss of life. Let us stand as one so that we might reject hatred. Let us stand as one so that perhaps, one day, we do not have to wonder when the other shoe may drop... so that none of us have to live in fear.

Yesterday, there was tragedy. Today, there is fear. Perhaps Tomorrow there can be hope.

One Day More... Or maybe Two...

I am almost done with the last semester before my summer break. One Stats quiz. Two response posts. One Cronk assignment.

And one brain not at all functioning... It took all day just to work on a simple assignment which, so long as I pass I don't really care about at this point. That's the problem with end of the semester assignments, once your brain is fried they don't really get the best outta ya.

Updates as they come.

A true Shakespearean Father's Day

It is no secret that I don't particularly enjoy holidays but most of them I grin and bear. Or groan and bear... It really depends on how I'm feeling. The one holiday that I have never enjoyed and cannot bring myself to find reason with (in my personal life, at least) is Father's Day. Mainly because, as one might guess, I do not have a father.

See, when I was little, growing up in a moderately-mostly religious home, I would always just say something to the effect of "God is my father" and be done with it. I didn't care. I made extra cards for my mom and life went on as always. As I got older and my cynicism increased, so to did my dislike of the contrived and forced holidays. Including Father's Day (and Mother's Day and most days of awareness for things and most of the non-large holidays)...

So, Here is my realistic Father's Day post using my  Father's Day tradition: Hamlet.

That's right. I have watched the 3-hour long BBC edition of Hamlet (staring David Tennant as Hamlet) every Father's day since 2014. 

After all, what could be better on a day meant to honor one's father than a whole bunch of people murdering each other in revenge of their fathers?

Of course, I will never get that chance (not that I would ever have had the inclination to in the first place...) as I do not and probably will never know my father. And, even if I were to miraculously find the man and he needed avenging, I do not live in a fairy tale (or Shakespearean tragedy or the Princess Bride) where I would set it as my life goal to about avenging him.

Makes no sense to avenge a person you have never met just because they share your biology. I don't and wouldn't owe them anything.

Nonetheless, I will continue to enjoy my yearly Hamlet as I watch the true meaning of Father's Day: Watching a whole bunch of drama over murdered fathers that ends in at least 10 funerals.

Thoughts on ruminations about my father

If I ever manage to track down my father, I may regret these posts. But since that is not likely to ever happen, here we go.

Although this is not specifically about my journey in OT school, it does concern the emotions that I have been having lately and so I call it fair game. I have never been this stressed near Father's day before and, as for most people, stress makes me ruminate and obsess and causes anxiety and depression. Unfortunately, this year that stress from school and work has translated into Father's Day.

This is interesting because, normally, I do not think much about Father's day. I don't really care. It is simply a day where I watch Hamlet (more on that next week) and enjoy good sales on clothes for my brother. This year, something has changed.

I still don't have a father and it still doesn't bother me (and by just saying that I feel like I am lying) but I feel this loss, this lack very distinctly. It is rather distracting. A lot of times there is this feeling of "what if" but it is transient. This year it hasn't been transient. It has been all encompassing and ear obsessive.

It is really beginning to annoy me because I really can't figure out why it matters. I have never cared before... I think...

Anyway...

Today I was listening to music and Coldplay's The Scientist came on and I remember that it was on the list of the "relatable songs for DC people". I used to blow that off. Today though, with my current mindset, I listened and I must say that I get it. It is like this dream. The meeting and parting and missed time between the donor and their DC child. It was also sad because, for all that it is wistful for a due over, it will never happen.

The past cannot be changed.

Later, Hear Me by Kelly Clarkson came on... Again, I was in the mindset of one week to Father's Day and I hit this one on the head as well. Or perhaps it hit me. Just listen to the song with the mindset of someone who is searching for the father they have never met and who probably doesn't even know that they exist. It fits pretty well, if you ask me.

Getting ready for fieldwork (part 1)

In just a little over a week I will begin my very first Level 1 fieldwork. I am excited and terrified. In my head I know that I will be fine. And I feel completely unprepared and overwhelmed.

No one said that this would be easy. I will write again on it once the experience is complete.

High School Graduation!

My baby sister graduated today!

We have another High School Graduate in the household!!!

I am very proud and just wanted to tell y'all.

Maybe Someday.

Many of you probably do not know this but I was conceived and raised by a single parent through the use of artificial reproductive technologies (ART) through a process called artificial insemination (AI). My biological father is a literal sperm donor.

Every once in a while I feel this sense of loss or discomfort. Normally this results in a few minutes or days looking through my DNA matches on Ancestry for the ones that I share with my sisters. Occasionally I write instead. I wrote this poem months ago and found it recently. I like it too much not to share.

The themes present could translate well to anyone with a family member they do not know although it was written specifically with anonymous donor conception in mind.
Without further ado...

Maybe Someday

You don't know me and I can't know you.

We are complete mysteries to each other. 

Maybe someday that will change.

Maybe someday.

I say that a lot, you know.

Maybe someday.

Perhaps that comes from you.

I don't suppose I'll ever know.

To you I was always just a potential.

An unknown.

A possibility.

A someday.

But someday came and here I am.

Even if you don't know me, I am here.

You don't have to know me for that to be true.

I exist and, you know what?

I am amazing.

That's all I'd like you to know.

Maybe someday you can see that for yourself.

It's official: An appreciation post

This statement relates to several things in my life on any given day but today, it is all about the White Coat Ceremony, aka the official recognition/representation that I am an OTD candidate (or will be when I finish all the classes).

It feels a little weird to do this now since we have class tomorrow (and the next day, and the next day, etc.) but perhaps that is for the best? These last 2 weeks have not been the easiest to get through (*cough* IRB writing and research *cough*) so maybe it is good to take a moment to realize how far we've come.

Let's face it, five years ago I was about a month into my second on-campus semester of my undergraduate degree. I was still only 18, just a baby. Never could have imagined the journey to get here, the struggles, joys, triumphs, and heartbreak. It is quite a thing I've managed to do... We have managed to do (since I have a lot of friends in the following pictures, I need to give them their due).

My roommate Ella and I 

Klarissa (the first person I met from my program) and I 

Aubree, Me, and Ella

Melanie and myself

Ella, Renee, and I

Ella, Dr. Megan Dooley, and I 

I will try and post more frequently but life has been crazy and I always seem to forget...

Nonetheless, More updates to come!

Making it so far

It is what it is. 

I've been saying this to myself a lot lately in regards to school and grades and life. I'm not sure if it is because I have watched scenes from 2(+) tv shows where this was the attitude or if it is simply because that is the best/only way to continue on and not freeze up and get bogged down by everything. 

I am definitely feeling school more now than I did last semester. It's strange. Last semester I worked all the time and was SUPER stressed but school wasn't all that bad. This semester I work less (by 4 hours a week....) but school has now taken the forefront of my stress load.

Every day I simply move on to the next item. I check off the list and move on. I feel as if I am not really able to focus on anything, I am just moving along... somehow.

And every day I get up again and I keep going. In the end, that's what counts.

I'm making it so far. I have this down. One more assignment to complete tomorrow and many tests to keep track of... I can do this.

I am doing this.

Day by Day

Semester 2 is so much harder than semester 1. I am not sure if the material is really that much harder or if I am just having a harder time focusing. I need to get my head together.

The material is also probably getting harder.

Just have to keep reminding myself that I have this. I can do this. I will do well in this.

Well... so long as I can keep the muscles and nerves of the forearm and hand together... And remember the embryonic development of the brain and nervous system.... And get that cover letter written up...

It'll all work out.

Just gotta take it day by day.

Reality of paying off medical bills as a university student

The reality of life is that I do not make enough to cover my medical needs. Even if I worked full time at the job I have now (a whole 8 hours a week more than I do), I would not make enough. My current medical bills (not those that have gone to collections from when I was 18, unemployed, and didn't know how to cover them) are as follows:

Over $700 for place A
Around $350 for place B
About $225 for place C
$1000+ for place D

These are charges for 3 specialty tests, and several in office visits. The large charge is for almost 6 months of physical therapy.

I would like to point out that I do have insurance. I have also been current on my medical bills since I became fully employed three years ago.

Even without school costs (which I have now) and while working full time (which I am not now), I could barely keep on top of them.

This experience isn't mine alone. It is simply the reality of medical care today in America for the lower middle class. I accept that. Doesn't mean I like it.

As of right now, I am paying them off these charges with installments and on payment plans because right now I cannot afford to pay them off in a lump sum. Even if we simply take the rough estimates, I owe almost $1300. I only make around $1800 a month before taxes. Once we calculate out rent and utilities and insurances (including internet because, as a student it is a necessity), I have about $900 left (about half of all my income). If we figure the lowest cost for food as recommended, about $50 a week, that puts me at about $700. After gasoline for my car, at the max of $80 a month (I like to round up), I have about $620.

My current payments are as follows:

Place A: $50 (recently reduced from $75)
Place B: $55
Place C: New charge, no plan yet
Place D: $60

For a total of: $165

Leaving me with about $455

So I could make larger lump sum payments of a few of the charges to reduce them. Beginning with place C.

Of course, I do not get all of that money at once. So, once you cut in half, I have about $227.50 extra a paycheck. Just enough this week to pay off my outstanding medical bills with place C. Assuming I have enough after taxes. And do not spend more than $100 on food. More likely I will have about $175 left. I will pay $100 to place C and then pay it off on the next check. Assuming no unexpected expenses occur.

We will see where I stand on Friday but this is my current thoughts:
rent: $400
electric: $25
Cable: (with next check)
Gasoline: $30
Insurance (medical): $60
Insurance (car): (with next check)
Place B: $55
Food: $125*
Place A: (next check)
Place D: (next check)

Total: $695
Total [rough] income (before taxes): 896

Remainder: $201

And so my assessment of paying $100 to Place C is the closest I have to a plan.

Or just set up another payment plan.

*Yes, I could reduce how much I pay for groceries. However, as I am  including my pet-care and household cleaning products in this cost, I feel that it is reasonable. 

Happy New Year!

Another year, another day.

I honestly doubt nothing will change majorly this year, after all, things rarely ever do.

Now, hear me out. This isn't as dark and depressing as it sounds, or at least it doesn't reflect a dark and depressing place as its origin. Events will change. Attitudes will change. Power will change. But the world will still turn. People will still get up every morning (or night) and go about their days. The basics of human biology stay the same. None of that will change.

Last year, 2018, I had some major changes in my daily life, new opportunities, a future opened up to me. Despite this, I still had to get up every morning and work or study or learn. I didn't change, even if things did.

This year, 2019, my situation will not change as much, already being in school and all, but the subtle things might, if I let them. Or they might not.

Growth and change are inevitable. They happen. Personal growth and change, that is. This year, I want to foster that. As such, I have made resolutions. No, not the grand, "I'm going to change everything bout how I am living," kind of resolutions. More the "I will continue to exist in this crazy world" type.

Here they are:

1. I will not cut or dye my hair. --> This one is big because I often use haircuts and dye to change my image and appearance or how I feel about myself. This year I want to accept myself for who I am, raw and beautiful. I also want to see if I can get long hair again....

2. I will take opportunities as they come. --> This is not to say that I will not seek opportunities, but I will also not hide from them when they appear. The world happens for a reason. I need to let it.

3. I will be more accepting of my faults. --> If my obsession with tv shows has taught me anything, it is that no one, not even the superheroes can do everything, perfectly, all the time. I am working to accept that, some days, I will not be 100% on everything and on those days I need to accept wherever I am and remind myself that tomorrow is another day. (This of course does not apply to tests.)

4. I will make more of an effort to connect with others. --> I isolated myself last year and do not want to again and so this year I am going to make an effort to socialize more with my peers (at least at school). I don't go to parties or any of that but I want to put more effort in on a daily basis.

And there it is. My New Year's Resolution.

Let's see how I do (the hair one will probably fail).