Wow! I did it!

So, yeah. I am a terrible person and can't stay on top of blogging (to be fair I haven't kept up with housework and floundered at work and in school all semester too). However, today I finished my first semester. With all As.

I am ecstatic!

My lowest score on a test was a 71% in kinesiology. I have begun measures to rectify my difficulty in the subject (hello whiteboards all over my house!).

My lowest paper score (not counting the one that I wrote on a plane and didn't read over before submitting, lesson learned) was an 87%. I will, in the future, double check and triple check all of my APA information, especially regarding citations (my killer of late).

This semester flew by and I am still in a bit of shock that it is over.

Next is Christmas (I might get a post in but, as stated before, I am very bad at that)!

After that, my next semester begins January 14th!

It will be amazing!

Alive

Life has been crazy with work and tests and assignments and everything but I am still going on. My apartment may be a disaster and my brain might not function from day to day but for now I am doing this!

(It helps that starting next year I will only work 32 hours every week. Yay for part-time!)

Still Surviving

At this point mid-semester is here and it is getting crazy. So far I have still passed everything but I am feeling the struggle now more than before.

I informed my boss that I had to go down to part time and hopefully it will go well (haven't been to work to check my email yet) and there won't be any hiccups. It is only one day less every two weeks while working a total of 4 days every week in a fixed schedule but it will be good. Necessary.

Full time was a mistake.

I am definitely having problems with my living conditions, trying to keep on top of everything and keep it neat and tidy and clean (it isn't at all) and I am too stressed often to do anything about it. I haven't folded clothes since my third week here and my "office" is just a clothes room. I want to clean my house but it is so hard with how little time I have had to myself lately.

The isolation is also getting to me. I don't know where the limit is for touching my classmates even as I crave and need touch. The cat is nice but a hug would be nicer. Unfortunately I am no where near there with any of them. So I suffer.

I was spoilt on my 2 day vacation by hugs from family and friends and now I feel their lack more than before (I was doing alright before then).

Classes are both easier because of routine and harder by material. All of it is interesting. Some of it hits a little close to home (probably a contributing cause of today's stressful times).

My body still hates me but is slowly getting better with Physical Therapy.

Just wanted to know that I am still here.

I Passed My First Test!

And I did it with a 97.5%!

Now, that may not seem like a huge deal but for me it was because a part of me still feels as if this is all a dream... or a mistake... or a parallel universe that I accidentally entered, misplacing the other version of myself (an admittedly harder working, less anxious, more stable, successful version of me) and taking over their life.

Now I know (logically) that it isn't true but anxiety isn't logical. So performing well on tests proves to me that, unless I am dreaming, I do belong. I am accomplished. I am doing this. I am not failing.

I have noticed that a lot of my posts here are depressing or uncertain. That is, unfortunately, the reality of my brain at this point in time. Some days are better but nothing happens those days and so I rarely write about them. Some days are worse and I write about them more consistently because I need to get them off my chest and I have no one to talk to about it.

Just the internet on a blog that nobody reads.

But, I passed my first test today with a 97.5%. That is something to be proud of.

The explanation

Yesterday was bad. There is no denying that. I felt "off" all day, repetitive thoughts, doubts, inadequacy. Then it ended with a panic attack. No one's idea of fun.

I kept thinking, although I told my brain to shut it, that I didnt belong in my OT program. That I didn't belong at the school. That I shouldn't be there and am just kidding myself.

I know that it isn't true... But I also know that I wasn't their first pick. I am capable of succeeding. I do belong. But a part of me fears that I do not, that I cheated somehow, regardless of my scores ot my work hours or anything else. It isnt a logical process.

Add on top of that that nearly every day I had some medical procedure (physical therapy 2 days, doctor yesterday, and lung function test today). And it was the first (full) week of school. I was tired. I am tired. And I have been in pain.

I have bursitis in my hip which is very painful. And constant. And digs away at my ability to cope. And I had a medical procedure attempted yesterday (unrelated) that ended up being quite traumatic, through no one's fault at all.

Everything added together upped my unease into an explosion of emotion that wanted out.

So yes. I flapped my hand in order to make my bracelet click. I took an extra long shower. I skimmed through 6 books. And I did not claw at my skin to get at the feeling or make it go away.

I am making progress. Even if it is slight.

So no. I did not get anything done yesterday. But I made it through and I will again.

I will be stronger for my struggles

Anxiety

It began as energy. Well, energy and doubt. Sonething that had been needling in the lack of my mind all day. A cumulative thing, pressing and burrowing. An awareness of inferiority.

Then the event happened. Unexpected. Startling. The energy increased. It was a buzz under my skin, settled as a pit in my stomach. No. That's not right. Burning with a need to get out. Pressing inside skin.

I shoved back. Contained I could ignore it. There was no functioning. No progress, just the struggle.

Breaking free it pressed against me. All directions no way out because it was out. Overwhelming. Suffocating. Leave me alone!

Flapping arm and clicking bracelet keep me from clawing through my skin. Go away. Go away. Get out. Leave me be.

Hot showers and piles of books. Pain and relaxation. Go away. Go away. I have no tine for you. Feelings swell. No sleep. No rest.

Anxiety will not leave me.

Almost on to Day One

That's right! On Wednesday (5 days from now) I will be, officially, a full time student of Occupational Therapy!!!

Very exciting.

I am very nervous.

I have fears that nothing will work out.

I have fears that I will not be able to handle the schedule (work and school and life).

I have fears that I have made a terrible mistake.

However, I will persevere.

I will not give up.

I can do this.

Cleanliness

"Cleanliness is next to godliness." I have always hated this saying, ever since I was a child. I honestly have no clue who first said it and have never much cared because I wholeheartedly disagree with it regardless. At least in regards to housekeeping.

I am not a clean person or, rather, I am not the type of person who can easily keep their surroundings clean especially in my own space. Cleaning can, on occasion, cause intense anxiety and stress. It is not that I cannot clean it is that I do not like to. Growing up, cleaning was never a family activity and our home was not kept very clean and so cleaning days were a time of stress and anxiety. Unfortunately that stress and anxiety grew with me and so cleaning became a necessary evil instead of a gratifying necessity.

Even more unfortunate is that the lack of cleanliness became a sense of shame. I would hate having people come over, I wouldn't invite friends over and even when family visited our home I just wanted them to leave. I was ashamed of the state of my home and I didn't want others to see it. I pushed them out and isolated myself.

I still isolate myself and keep people out. Even when my home is clean I don't want others to come in, "Leave me alone, get out!" is what my brain says.

I want to change that and I know that it won't be a quick process to change. To begin, I am going to be honest about my housekeeping skills, my personal ability to keep things clean, as it has been the main cause of much of my anxiety in the past.

It is time that I am honest about my reality (and show off my apartment, finally).

This is about the view from my kitchen door/front door area.

And here is the view of my living room and front door.

Here are a few pictures of my kitchen. Note the covered table, the open cabinets and the box that has been on the floor for about 5 days.

Next is my bathroom. The floor is swept about 3 times a week (same days that I scoop the cat box) and the box is emptied about once a week but the counter is covered with stuff in a disorganized sprawl.

My spare bedroom (and hopefully my eventual office/workout zone if I can ever buy the rest of the furniture) is basically just a place where I am storing boxes until I feel like breaking them down and carrying them to the dumpster. Not pictured: my desk.

My bedroom is minimally furnished (bed, dresser, nightstand) but still manages to be a little bit messy.

This is my life.
It is normal and it is okay.

A few ruminations

So I have no idea what I posted last. I could look, don't really feel like it. Instead I will just wing it today and write about some of the things that have been going on in the last week or so.

Food:
I was really concerned that I wouldn't eat enough living on my own and it was a valid concern given my history and my health. So far it hasn't been an issue (if anything I feel that I am eating too much). However, this fear did lead me to stocking up on a lot of food. So much food that, other than fruit, juice, and milk, I probably don't need to buy anything else for a good 3 weeks... or maybe a month...

I am hoping to cook more but so far have just made a grilled bagel sandwich and some brownies... in the week that I have lived here. Mostly been eating crackers with cheese, yogurt, hummus, corn chips (Tostitos), and fruit and the occasional (one) tv dinner. I also had leftovers one day. Although I do plan on making enchiladas tonight. Yay, progress.

Exercise:
I had this elaborate and great plan to exercise here. So far, nothing. Well, once. I want to but I feel crummy and my head is all stuffed up and my ears and my lungs are tight when I breathe... So basically haven't felt up to it, even though there is a vague desire for it. I have been stretching more often but that is about it.

Here is the plan for when I am more well:
-Stretch everyday (I should do this now) for 5 minutes
-Exercise on my little elliptical thing (once I get around to spending the $90 on it) 2 days a week for 10 minutes and 2 days a week for 30 minutes (obviously the weekend for those longer ones)
-T'ai Chi (also, could do this now) 3 days a week, completing the 24-forms (I can only do about 5 of them right now...)
-Body resistance exercises (sit-ups, planks, push ups, lunges, etc) 2 days a week for 10 minutes (one time on weekend one time during the week)

We will see if it ever gets done. Any of it...

Money:
So I am alright with money although I ma not ready to spend more for another year or more. I don't have much in checking (once you take out my medical payments and my insurance) but I have enough for emergencies (or more cold medicine). I am determined not to take more out of savings though until I need to buy my school books. Although I know that I will need to pay my cable and electric next month but by then I should have had another check or two come in. I have one more coming from St Luke's (my PTO payout) and from my new job at St Alexius. All should be fine, even with having an extra $600 charge on groceries and household items (the world is expensive!)

Work:
Here is where I admit to being grateful for my previous job (even more so) as it made me infinitely flexible in regards to patient care. Not to brag (much) but I feel that I can handle nearly any situation that arises in  a healthcare setting thanks to my previous adventures so this job isn't as impossibly stressful as I thought that it would be. It will take me time to get into a perfect rhythm and get all my timing right but I know that I will get there soon.

At this point I don't even think that I need the full 3 more days of orientation. I kinda feel ready (I say now...) just need to practice getting out of there on time and getting into bed before midnight so that I will be set when school starts up (hahaha).

Pictures:
Still working on those. I have some but I am too lazy to post them right now.

Cat:
He is so bored! He stays up all night and has nothing to do and then sleeps all day so I hardly ever see him and when I do it is only to throw him off of me at 4 in the morning. I need to get him toys. After I figure out what he will actually play with...

An update of the last few days

So I am in Bismarck! (And have been for six days....)

It is alright here, although I miss Idaho and the familiar and already miss my family (yes, there were tears although I held it together until they left... barely). It will take me a while to get used to it here, I am not good with change and this is a major change. I honestly didn't expect it to be so different from Nampa, ID. I expected smaller but not any great changes, boy was I wrong. Bismarck feels like a strange combination of new and outdated. Some aspects are so modern that it almost blows your socks off but they are subtle things. Others take you back into 2008 or 2003 or (in the case of my kitchen stove) 1972.

The people are a similar enigma. They are a strange mixture of laid-back and gruff, as if they can't quite decide which to be so they chose both. They aren't, so far, as chatty as those in Idaho but their overall demeanor isn't mean, just reserved. You would think that with all this space they would be more secure in being big but I suppose that it could be the opposite. Because there is so much space, it is overwhelming and they stay to themselves. They certainly don't make as much eye contact as I am used to.

I wonder what they make of me?

My apartment is nice. Spacious. Perfect... well... Almost perfect. As I mentioned, my stove is from the 70s and only has 3 working burners. The AC unit is not made for 100+ degrees. And, most importantly right now, my toilet is mostly broken (not flushing, leaking around the base), backing up into the tub, and leaking into the apartment below me. I hope it is fixed today because I would really like to shower... or flush my toilet.

Also I don't have a couch (as of right now) or my chair. The couch was supposed to come yesterday but now won't arrive for another 2 days (estimated). The chair won't be here for 2.5 more weeks. Luckily I have kitchen chairs to sit in. But my couch would have been nice.

I will make a separate post about work and the end of my online class (once it ends!) when I have a bit more time.

Heat exhaustion sucks

So, yeah. it does.

I feel like crap.

Who would think that I would get to my new home and be completely ill? (Actually, with my track record after long drives I shouldn't be surprised...)

I have never had heat exhaustion before (combined with dehydration or alone). It isn't pleasant (headache, dizziness, fatigue, stomach cramps, clammy skin) and I would not recommend it. Should have bought more frozen peas.

Meanwhile, I did sign my lease and am now officially an independent renter. Yay.

Now if I could only feel well enough to set it up.

What I have learned after packing and travel

1. I only own 6 pairs of shoes (2 tennis shoes, 1 dress shoe, 2 winter shoes, and a pair of converse)
2. All of my clothes (minus 3 jackets) can fit into 4 vacuum bags.
3. Everything that I own (plus a cat) can fit into two cars, a sedan and a compact jeep.
4. Tetris in the car is not fun.
5. Driving without AC in 95+ degrees is miserable and leads to heat exhaustion/stroke and dehydration.
6. Grocery stores should really sell pre-frozen ice bags.
7. Since they don't, I should note that frozen bags of peas, while useful, do eventually melt and leave you with mushy peas and leaking bags.
8. A bag of frozen peas will stay cold for about 2 hours in a hot car.
9. I am not sure what I am doing.

Perfection and Strain

Yesterday was a bad day.

I got angry. Very angry. Murderously angry. And unfortunately, once I get to that point it is difficult to get not angry anymore. I was awake until 3-something. I got about 5 hours of sleep. At least I know that I can still function on that little.

So I am trying to move and complete homework and work full time and it isn't working. My brain is not dealing with the strain well. I already took a day off of work because of it and I never take a day off unless I have to for medical reasons (granted, it was after a very tough day but still, unheard of).

On to yesterday.

I had just finished a stressful school project and was battling with a few technical errors (having to upload a video to YouTube and remake my PowerPoint) and as I waited I decided that I should buy my furniture as I could now transfer the money out of savings for it. I decided to buy Ikea for the main furniture and was really looking forward to my future rooms...

Didn't end up that way because Ikea wouldn't get to my apartment until 8/30/18... I move in on the 9th and I couldn't see waiting that long for my bed, dresser, tv stand, bookcases, etc. Well, some I could wait on but not the bed. And that was upsetting because I really wanted that bed.

So I had to replan my entire apartment, basically. The only thing that is the same is my couch (not being bought from Ikea) and my chair (which I can wait on).

That sucked. I was angry. I kinda still am.

Well, once I found my furniture and began the process of buying it new problems arose. My bank and Walmart were having difficulties, my card was locked (although my transaction went through, supposedly). This morning, the main bulk of my transaction was canceled (except for my couch, luckily). Called the bank and had my card reopened. Called Walmart and they reset the system and told me to try again in an hour.

I do not like spending money. This is a stressful time for me already. Now I have to spend that money AGAIN when it was upsetting enough the first time.

I had great plans for this apartment and this process and none of this was a part of it. I had planned perfection in buying the furniture and in what furniture I would receive and how my apartment would end up looking.

Not to be so.

It will still be mine and beautiful and lovely but it isn't what I had planned and that is slightly upsetting.

Eleven Days

There are only eleven days left until I leave Idaho!!!! ELEVEN DAYS!!!

No, I have not finished packing.

No, I have not finished all my papers.

Yes, I am behind on my plans, although not as severely as I could be.

I have six work shifts left. I have only six days left with my work family. That is finally beginning to set in and I plan on taking as many selfies with as many people as possible (and will post them if given permission).

Finally, yes, I am freaking out. A lot.

Just a touch of perspective...

So I am incredibly  stressed out right now. I am still trying to limit my paper down to reasonable by the end of the night for starters and then I learned that my car will cost over $500 to repair (it would have been nearly $800 if I had left in the tires). Now the first is merely annoying. The second raised my levels REALLY high because that is a lot of money (I need to point out that my mechanic is great and has reasonable rates and everything but there was a lot more going on than just a coolant leak... of course).

All of that is stressful but what really has gotten me is looking into the future and having the reality of THREE WEEKS LEFT kick me in the teeth. I have three weeks left until I move to Bismarck and I have so much left to do!

So, to deal with my anxiety, I made a list on my ever-growing school excel sheet. here is the gist of my next three weeks:

That is a lot of writing and studying and packing to do while working as well.

Makes me think that I am a little crazy for even considering working full time while in school.

Not so stable and happy right now and not looking forward to how fast these three weeks are going to go.

But I will get through it.

Car in the shop and an important reminder

Today I finally took my car to my mechanic (something that I have been meaning to do for nearly 6 months) because, a) with the trip ahead I want it to run and b) it has had a coolant leak since I bought it and it has become a real problem (see photos below...). So that is an exciting (and probably expensive) development!

Next, I am finally finished with my first grad school essay!!!! *applause and cheering*

I realized several things while writing it that I am going to share as an important reminder here:

1) Writing an essay is a lot different than a blog post or a story, remain professional or you will be re-writing a LOT of paragraphs.

2) Remember to write in small portions or else you can begin rambling and have 2 pages of nonsense that you have to completely scrap and start over.

3) Always re-read what you have already written to maintain the tone of your essay (alright, this one is the same as in a blog).

4) Be succinct or you will be desperately trying to reduce your essay length while preserving your ideas... and it sucks.

5) Always ask clarifying information of the professor before you begin writing and not after you have written 5 pages.


I did my best. Only time will tell if it worked out, I might even update it here!

Update

So I have 28 days left until I move to ND and it is becoming more real every day. I have begun to pack up my belongings (mainly composed of books and sweaters) and have bought a few household items. My furniture cost is frightening as I try and figure out how I can afford to furnish even the two rooms that I will be furnishing at first (bedroom, partial living room, kitchen) and the little items may well bite me once I get there.

Meanwhile, I am still working full time and have started my online class which is going quite well so far, although I am only 3 weeks into it so  I might be a little overly optimistic. I am certainly learning a lot, which is good. As the days count down I find that it is harder to face my co-workers because all they can say is how much they will miss me and I don't really want to leave them. I just know that I will cry on my last day.

Sad and exciting times are coming. I will try to continue my updates as I approach the intense scary day of a new home.

Doubt

The joy has worn off. It honestly lasted longer than I thought it would. As I approach the month mark I begin to question whether this is really a good decision. Can I truly do this? Am I insane to think that I can survive 3 years of graduate school? Am I insane to be competing with these other people academically? Intellectually I know that I am qualified. Intellectually I know that I will be an amazing therapist. Emotionally, however, the process getting there seems near impossible.

Here I am going against actual "balanced" people, people who are everything that I am not on the surface. Me, I am driven and smart but I am reclusive and sedentary. Yes, I have plans to change it. Yes, I want to do more but I am not competitive to these people.

I have a job and an apartment (or will on Friday) but can I really succeed with my schedule? Can I be what I need to be? Can I achieve anything? I hate self-sabotage and can't seem to shake it. Maybe it will get easier.... I want to do well. I want to be the best that I can be... I want to be good as a student and a person and, eventually, a therapist. Right now I'm not feeling very confident in that.

I have an apartment!!!

Alright, that might be an overstatement at this point as the down payment won't be put down until Friday BUT I will have an apartment! A lovely, well priced, 2 bedroom home just for me and the cat. Of course there will be pictures when I move in but from the internet pictures I am in love. It is a second floor apartment with a recently renovated kitchen, a pantry, nice flooring, and a good floorplan. It is also huge at around 800sqft. AND is on the same level as the laundry. And is a half mile from a bookstore AND Target...

Basically I am over the moon right now.

Online class started

I started my online class today. hesitantly optimistic about it. Very hesitant. Also feeling good. HUGE range of emotions going on here, obviously.

I have a job!!!

Wonder of wonders, today I was offered a job!!! I will be employed when I get to Bismarck in 7 weeks from today! So much shock and joy right now it is ridiculous!!!

Present Living

I am going to be brutally honest about the hardest part of preparing to move to North Dakota and start school: Planning. I am a HUGE planner for every aspect of my life (from menus to school schedules) and thus I have, of course, begun planning my exodus from Idaho. The problem is, right now, there are very few constants. I do not yet have a job lined up, despite applying to several. I do not yet have an apartment and watch as, day by day, the options dwindle. Thus I create my lists and plans as things of constant surety. I plan for the future as if it were known because by doing so I can sit with a sense of calm, of knowledge that all will be well and I will accomplish that which I have planned.

Unfortunately, it does cause a problem when living one's daily life.

When you live in the future as if it is a certainty, as if the decisions have been and are already set in stone, you lose the flexibility of surprise. You can also increase anxiety when surprise is occurs, as it is inevitable. The truth is that no one can know the future, it is a fluid and ever changing tapestry, any plans are only outlines until they become concrete. There are choices you can make, but you cannot control the choices of others. It is a tapestry made in the present and cemented in the past.

Another problem is the difference between immediate planning and future planning. I can make a plan for what I should do today, tomorrow,or next week and know with relative certainty that those plans can be achieved if I stick to it. However when I make a plan for next month or next year or five years from now, It is merely an outline, an option, a possibility. Plans of mortals made for the future are folly... and unavoidable.

So here I am, a foolish human, making those plans.

Letter of Resignation

This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write. I have enjoyed my time at my current job and dearly love my co-workers. Thus leaving is quite a difficult process. While this is a happy event in my life, there is a definite sense of sorrow in the change. This was a moment of sorrow.

Dear __________,

This is a letter that is hard to write, for all that it is necessary. As you are aware I was recently accepted into the OTD program at the University of Mary in Bismarck, ND and as such I will be leaving Idaho at the end of the current schedule, which ends 8/18/2018. Thus it is with a heavy heart that I write to you today my official letter of resignation. As such, I will not be scheduling myself on the next schedule... or any schedule thereafter. 

These last (almost) two years have been an unending adventure with some of the best people I have ever encountered. I will greatly miss my Meridian 6 family and the crazy experiences that I have had here. I especially like to thank you for your help, support, criticism, and understanding these last couple of years, you have not only helped me to become a better CNA but also given me more confidence in my abilities and approach to problems in my life. I will long value the lessons I have learned and the people with whom I have worked, and I will greatly miss the latter.

Sincerely,

Breannen McEnany

Battling emotions

Inferiority; uncertainty; fear

So a huge part of the last week has been me battling my conflicting emotions and struggling to come to terms with my new reality. The other day I identified three main emotions that have come over me recently: inferiority, uncertainty, and fear. While they are written in the order of severity I am going to examine them backwards.

Fear
This is the most understandable of my emotions as I will be moving to a new state and experiencing many things for the very first time (living on my own, being completely self-reliant, going to graduate school). This is also the emotion that I am having the best success at quieting. I have learned that planning and preparation can reduce fear or at least keep it from being entirely paralyzing (most of the time). While there are days where I am completely paralyzed and overwhelmed (and I am sure there will be more days to come), I can normally recover in a few hours.

Uncertainty
This emotion is strongly linked to fear or at least to the basis of the fear: change. I am simply uncertain what exactly the future holds where before I felt like I knew. This is another emotion that planning goes a long way to alleviate.

Inferiority
This one is tough, very tough, because it is based purely on internal emotional stimuli, not on any externally controlled situation and also because it is already a part of my daily emotional instability so there is more fuel behind it. I don't want to say that as a female I experience more instances of inferiority than most because I feel that is unnecessarily sexist, but as a social human in the 21st century, I (like most) experience  instances of inferiority. Most of these revolve around looks, money, accomplishments in life, and so forth. I see people who are fit and I feel inferior compared to them, knowing that I could improve if I only began acting differently (an unfortunate truth in my life). Or I see someone with beautiful skin/eyes/hair/etc. and I feel inferior to them because my face always looks like I have a sunburn but is too sensitive to wear most makeup (thanks, rosacea!), my eyes have puffy skin underneath, and my hair can never seem to look how I want it to. For the most part these are the only inferiorities that I battle in my life... Except in regards to schooling...

In education, I constantly feel inferior to others. Even when I am doing well. Even when I am succeeding. I know consciously that most of this inferiority is irrational, to be where I am I had to meet the same requirements and standards as all the other admitted students. I had to have scored in the same set standards in my grades, observation, and GRE. I know this bit I still feel inferior. A part of it is that I am seeing these people through the lens of social media which distorts reality (a list was given with the names of my classmates for lab purposes, I am only moderately stalker-y). A much larger part is knowing that I was most likely the last admitted to the program. While still admitted, I was not their first or even 39th choice. I was a back-up, the player not meant to play (I was even told that I would not be admitted to the program a few months back), and while I am eternally grateful and know I will succeed, I cannot help but feel that I am coming in at a disadvantage.

My unfortunate problem

So it seems that I have a problem, although since I seem to have no control over this problem can it truly be called "mine", I wonder? Anyway, my problem is my name... or rather official misspelling of my name. See, I understand that my name is difficult. It is long. It is uncommon. But, if I spell it out for you I really don't think that it is too much to expect it to be spelled right. Well, this week alone I have been confronted 3 times with my misspelled name (4 if you include the "fix" of one misspelling). One of these on an official transcript which has held up, again, my registration to the program.

So in honor of the terrible day I am having due to this "mix-up" here are the ways that my name has been misspelled (recently and in the past):

Breanna McEaneny

Breannan McEaneny (x2)

Berannen McEnany (The problem one on the transcript)

Reannen MEnany (dropped "B" on my CNA license)

Breannen Mcenamy (mistyped last name when first hired)

Bre ---> Brea ---> Bread (once my nickname was misspelled and auto-correct turned it  into "bread")

So, that's all! A humorous post to end my absolutely infuriating experience of having to wait another weekend to be offically "registered" for UMary and be able to sign up classes, including the one that begins in 24 days.

Process of moving pt 1: Fear

So, as you will learn in time, I am a planner... an over-planner even. So of course as I sit here with 71 days until I leave for Bismarck, ND, I am beginning to plan out the future possibilities. Two of the largest (and most frightening) parts of this for me are finding a new job and finding an apartment. These two are particularly scary because 1) I've never actually lived in my own apartment and 2) I really love my current job and don't want to leave it.

Now I realize that these fears are completely different, the first is a fear stemming from inexperience and the second is stemming simply from change. Both are common and adequate reasons to fear something, but they are also things that I will have to overcome eventually so might as well start now.

As I look for apartments I realized a few things, the nice ones all require good credit scores and they all require an income of 3x your rent minimum. Unfortunately for me, due to unforeseeable and uncontrollable circumstances, my credit score isn't great. Also unfortunately for me, I was planning on only working part-time. The reason that is unfortunate is because unless I make a whole lot per hour, working part time would only get me about 2x the rent in even the cheapest places. This means that I will have to work full-time from the beginning, something I was hoping to avoid while in school. I have had people  suggest that I get a roommate or move into an existing situation but I am hesitant. For one, I will have my monster-cat with me (non-negotiable). For another, I am incredibly uncomfortable with idea of rooming with strangers; I hated it during my undergrad years and spent many a day locked alone in my room to avoid interacting with other people. I would love to be able to walk around my apartment without the anxiety of people (yes, I have a problem). If I end up in a 2 bedroom apartment then, sure, I might, eventually, get a roommate but it would be under my terms and my choice and would definitely not be a stranger.

On to my fear of starting a new job. It is mainly based in the same reasoning that I don't want a roommate right away, I don't like change. I am comfortable in my life and in my position. I know where I am and who I am there. Changing jobs is a terrifying position that I am not altogether ready for mentally (after all, I thought that I would have a year more to process this not just over 10 weeks). That being said, I do have my feelers out in the two main hospitals in the Bismarck area that both have positions available currently. I will be applying for night shift as it will allow me a more variable schedule and make a work/life/school balance easier to find (as it is a necessity). Luckily, my current floor has prepared me for nearly any situation presented in the medical field except for pediatrics (which there are currently no jobs available in anyhow).

In the next 2 weeks, (when my CNA license is transferred over) I will finish the applications I have begun through the hospitals (three total). By the first of July I will put in an application (and a deposit) on an apartment and just hope that something decent in my price range is available still (plenty of choices now). In the meantime, I will continue to plan, search, and obsess as I try to overcome my anxiety by the time that I actually have to move.

How this all began

Hello all, it is time for everyone's absolute favorite post, the introduction "history" of the blog. Well, I would absolutely hate to disappoint so here we go:

Starting this fall, I am a student at University of Mary in their Doctoral program for Occupational Therapy.

Alright, now that that's out of the way, on to the story of how this happened. I graduated in 2015 with my bachelor's in Interdisciplinary Studies with an emphasis in Psychology and a minor in Biology (although I will often just say that I was a psych major since I basically was) at the age of 20.5 years old. When I was approaching graduation I had every intention of jumping right back into school after a short break and becoming an accomplished OT in the near future (I actually thought that I would be in my last year of OT school by now...). Unfortunately I did not account for some of the circumstances that might arise.

1. Mother (main support system) losing her job
2. Stolen laptop computer
3. Burnout
4. Move to a new state 
5. $$Money$$

Long story short, nothing happened in 2016 but stress followed by a 4-month long depression and beginning a new job. By 2017,  I was ready and turned in my applications... all 9 of them... costing me several hundred dollars (a topic for another post). Over the next several months every single school  that I had applied to had rejected me. I was devastated and considered giving up my dream of being an OT and finding some other field to enter. 

I decided to give it one more go and began building contingencies in case of failure (counseling, social work, OTA, etc.). I had just really begun my research into schools, plans for making a kick-butt OTCAS personal essay, and set up to observe an OT in an acute in-patient setting when I received an email from UMary asking if I would like to do a phone interview. I said yes.

That was one week ago today. 

Six days ago I had that awkward interview on the phone (because really, when are phone interviews not awkward) in a quiet storage room at work during my lunch break. I don't think I truly finished half of my sentences and left feeling both optimistic and doomed. I didn't want to hope that I could get in... and I wanted nothing more than to be accepted as UMary was the school that I had thought I would attend. The next morning, just before 6am, I received an email declaring that I had been accepted. first thing I did was tell my family and then my work family. They are all happy for me but none of them want to see me go, and I don't particularly want to leave. I just really want to do this.

For the last five days my life has taken a complete 180.

Now, of course, comes the process of finding a job as a CNA, finding an apartment in my strict and limited budget, acquiring furniture (as I own a nightstand) and necessities, and moving 15 3/4 hours away from home to start at the beginning of the rest of my life.